Wrote this in my journal tonight....
Yes , the one that involves pen & paper *wink*.....
I sit on my courtyard , resting high above the neigbourhood, writing this by candlelight.
Its a warm , late November night.
A full moon hovers amongst the clouds in this warm balmy night.
Since I started writing this entry , my flame from my New Orleans Peace candle has been extinguished twice by the soft , yet determined , breeze.
I walked out onto my courtyard after watching the movie ' The Forgotten', with my sister , Kristy. I sighted the magical white full moon and walked straight back in ( probably , predictably ...)
to fetch my tripod and camera.
Its loaded with Kodak Tri-X B&W film .... but thats fine....
In fact , come to think of it , its more then fine ... grainy B&W is just what is needed tonight , for this picture ( if the photos turn out ).
I cant stop feeling sad about having to leave my poetic lil sanctuary , that looks over this city.
When I glimpsed the new Chanel # 5 ad ( featuring Nicole Kidman ) well , the writers home ( meant to be his little haven overlooking NY City ) reminded me , distinctly , of myself and my home..
I found my soul again , in this place.
Not that I had ever really lost it...
I had started to touch it again though , in New Orleans & after I first returned home.
All those times I raced to Saint Pauls Cathedral , after work had ended for the day , and sat in the wooden pews and gazed at the beautiful leadlight windows perched high in this huge , magnificant , gothic cathedral, listening to lilting sounds of the boys springtime choir voices .....being filled up with something that , obviously , nourished and comforted me there. Thats when I started on the path to coming back to something worthwhile....
I guess I had the 'after travel blues' at the time .... St Pauls Cathedral , the leadlights , the angelic singing , became my solace for that time afterwards....
No , I am not in the least bit 'religious' .....
Spiritual yes , formally religious , no....
And in this place I call home now , I felt like I had started to come back to myself too.
Bear with me for going on about the sadness of losing my small sanctuary.
It is silly , I know this much. This space in the world is merely a tool to re-find something important. I was leaving this place in March anyway.
I guess I would have preferred to leave this place on my own terms , is all.....
Because it involved a personal , inner journey that had been sorely missed for a while.
I can hear someones music emitting over the neighbourhood below. This neighbourhood thrives with humanity and its many different beautiful colors. .... and I love it all.
The candlelight keeps on flickering , despite the wind almost blowing it out several times since I lit it for that third time. I am cupping it against the wind with my left hand , as I write with my right.There is a plane that is flying overhead on the horizon and sirens in the distance. I hear peoples voices rising above all the inhuman noises .... an occassional 'whoooop' here & there....
I am so in love with life right now.
Much more then I've ever been , I'm pretty sure of that.
In love with all the colors , the sensations , the smells , the skies , the light , the darkness , music ....
........animals........
........people ........
........my friends.....
........my family .....
More then anything , my family ....
And I find that I've been opened up in such a way that ....
( candlelight went out again , silly wind blew it out lol .... )
in such a way that I cry a lot these days....Things that touch me deep down in a mysterious place that wasnt available before ....
Now it's vulnerable.....
I love feeling this way ....
Open me up , make me feel .... I never wanna be numb again.
I wanna feel someone elses tears ...so what if its saddening ...
At least its real.
I've turned off the tv... because that numbs me ....
I dont read the newspapers anymore ... because they have the same effect.
I dont wanna be fed a virtual , fake , life by proxy anymore.
I want it first-hand.
Hence , I'm takin this show on the road , kiddies.
Throwin the towel into the ' security ring ' ..... as much as I crave 'security' , I know I have to up and see the heart of this world. I aint in this world to be 'secure'.
* Looks up at moon again *.
So , as much as I dont wanna give up this place , I have to let it go and move on to the next chapter.
Our biggest struggle is when we go against the grain of mother nature/life , instead of accepting and moving with it.
Why were we made like this ?
*Philosophical Saturday Night discussion over .......*
Maybe I should get out more....*Wink*
Mental Note : Must buy little portable tape recorder to record little inspirations ..... ( most good thoughts emerge when I'm furthest away from pen and paper .... )
Boo ..... Me today .... fascinattttttting eh ?
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