Hello Canuckia !

Wow ....where do I start ?!

It's been so long since I've been online,let alone made an entry in here, the keyboard is looking alien to me ha....

The last month or so leading up to leaving Australia was crazy chaos and stresssssssful.
I had to apply for a U.S visa because of a simple 3 hour layover at LAX. I wasnt eligible for the 90 day visa waiver program because I am going to be in North America for longer then 90 days. So it was a mad stressful rush of trying each day to get an appointment at the US embassy in Melbourne in time in order to process the visa in time for me to leave.
At one stage I wasnt able to get an appointment until the 23rd of March which meant that the Easter weekend fell pretty much straight after and I was leaving on the Easter Monday. So I was having to check the embassy site every day, relying, hoping, praying that someone would cancel any earlier appointment they were holding.
Arghhh !!
Josh checked the site one day, about 20 minutes after I had checked (and had no luck). He happened to have checked at the right time because an appointment for the 18th had just become available, so I left the new girl I was training at work to hold the forte and RUSHED to the internet cafe next door to try to snatch up the appointment before someone else did ( ya have to be lightening FAST to grab appointments as it turns out).
Thankfully I got it.
So, yeah, those weeks were a mad rush of getting documents, photos and id etc together, training the new girl to take over my position at work, spending as much time with my family as humanly possible, packing, shopping for warm clothes, closing bank accounts, writing up my resume,working two jobs and chasing up references etc and other general things one must take care of when they're moving to another country.
And somewhere in there, talk to my boy....
I was exhausted by the time I got on the plane at Melbourne, after tears had been shed with goodbyes to family members.

Anyway .... I'm in Canada as I speak !!
In the fabulous apartment Josh set up for us !
God did it feel good finally being with him again, seeing his face !
I think I've cuddled and kissed him non-stop since I got here.
He put together a 'Welcome to Canuckia ' package which was all layed out on the dresser when we got back to the apartment. My eyes did not know where to look first !
There was a babushka doll set, a BIG bottle of Tresor perfume , shower gel and body cream ( my favourite perfume ) which also came with a gift make up bag full of makeup and another perfume etc. There were tickets to the Joss Stone concert this June , tickets to Mamma Mia, a gift card to La Senza (lingerie) , bottles of wine from the places we're going to visit on the way back to Aus next March (one from Spain, one from Italy ) packaged together with pink champagne and ice wine on a silver platter tray, yummy chocolates from The Ultimate Truffle store, a cd of music he made for me, Body Shop gift sets filled with massage oil, their Sugar and Spice products and more.A subway and street directory. There was a bunch of Cara Lily's and white roses in a glass vase on the kitchen bench ......
I got spoiled ROTTEN ! Talk about bowl a girl over !
The best part though was being with him again...it felt like a dream.
We've spent pretty much every moment together, bar today because he had to go to work.We've gone out on REAL dates and sickened subway commuters by endless smooching and puppy-dog eye'sing each other on the train and allllll that gooey stuff.
It snowed the second morning here and I ran outside in my pj's to catch snowflakes. What ?! I've never seen snow FALL before so I was excited *wink*.

Met one of Josh's best friends ,Annette, on Saturday and then went to his family's house on Sunday for dinner. I was nervous both times but they're awesome ppl so it was great.
Went for a job interview yesterday but I was so nervous and had such a bad case of dry-mouth-itus that I walked outta the interview cringing at myself lol. Bad thing is , though , is that Josh and his mum are patients at this place ( its a chiropractic clinic in downtown Toronto )and have been selling me hard to this guy and that pretty much meant that the job should be in the bag for me right....so if I dont get it how lame is that ?
Lol.

Anyway, I'm writing a book here yet again so I shall shut up for the time being.

See ya soon !

Signed - Lovesick in Toronto

The Arrow Totin Cherub ...

...has alighted amongst us earthbound pigeons once again and wreaked much mushy havoc with his cheeky arrow-shootin ways.

Yes , the mischievous, winged one had a field day on the day of lurrrrrve , Valentines Day.
Boyfriends / husbands around the globe are either being given the silent treatment right now ( "....but baby-honey-sweetheart-lightofmylife , Valentines Day is just such commercialised rubbish , I show you my love in OTHER ways...I'm HERE arent I ....?! " ) or have dusted off their Prince Charming suits stowed under the bed and are currently enjoying the attentions from their Cinderella -turned- nymphomaniac.

I got red rosssssssssses from my boy !

He had them delivered to my workplace and they're gorgeous ( and yeah if I was with him right now he'd be getting the full Cinderella ....oh TMI ).

Babe , ya the best boofriend in the world and I love you madly !

Aside from the brief lil V-Day report , I booked my round-the-world ticket~a~licket two weeks ago. Going to Toronto just feels so much more REAL now. Countdown has begun ; today marks 43 days until I get to be with J.
My eyes and the calender have become close friends and tango on a daily basis.
But still , every day I get up out of bed and curse the clock for insisting its 'get up for work ' time , for not giving me extra zzzzz time and I sleepily walk trance-like into the bathroom and realise ; as tired as I am ....I'm another day closer to J.

Dunno if I've mentioned this yet , its been awhile since I've written an entry in soulsjuice but J has moved into what will be OUR new apartment and I've seen photos of it ! It looks and sounds greattttt ! He wont show me the apt now that he's moved furniture into it and layed everything out , done it up etc but thats fine ...I love surprises. Its just another thing to look forward to seeing once I get there.

Anyhoo , I'ma jet.
Once I'm in Toronto and settled and so forth I will be probably making more entries in here. Lately , I've been so 'unsettled ' and in the strangest sort of limbo since I've moved that I havent been interested in the net. My head is full of work , tryin to get more work , trying to get enough money together to head over to Toronto with , missing J , already missing my family ( even though I havent left Melbourne yet .....) and all the stuff in between.

I know I'm gonna blub like a baby at the airport , sayin bye to my fam.

Congrats Zach & Jess !!

A gorgeous & lovely couple , Zach & Jess , just got engaged !

I know Zach from The Photo Forum and Jess recently joined as well.

Zachs proposal : story & pics

Gotta be THE most romantic and creative proposal I've heard of yet !!
I'm tres impressed AggieMan , YO ! ;)

Congratulmalations you two !

No ones perfect ... but two people can be perfect together.... :)

Got it !

Ok the good news I was talkin about in the previous post ....

I got my Canadian Work Visa !!!!

* Much dancing around goofily *

Today I was pretty stressed out , it was another hot day and I was bothered ra ra ra....

Ya know when ya get so stressed out that you feel your stomach all knotted up and your insides feel like they're on fire ...? That's been me lately , especially today.By lunchtime I hadnt eaten all day and started getting stomach cramps so I forced a toasted sandwhich down.


About to knock off from my full time day job and go to the next job. Working tonight ....with a not-very-pleasant person ....
Its been a long day and I have to keep reminding myself to calm down , take deep breaths and keep focusing on the end of March and finally getting on that plane.
I need to spend more time with my family too , in the meantime , because I'm gonna miss them like crazy.

Rain has started to fall on this hot day and I just went outside and stood in it , letting the cool raindrops soothe me somewhat and tame that lil stressball of fire in my belly .... it felt niccccccccce.

This entry is a lil all over the place ...
Ah well .... some days I dont make sense at all ....

Busy Girly Bee

Yeah , I've been neglecting my lil blog space in www-land lately.
I moved on the 11th of January and am now sleeping in my sisters living room ( oh joy non-personal space ! ).
Yes I now have to sleep in full pyjama's - top AND bottoms.
Which is a bit o'a pain in the royal butt because Melbourne's currently enjoying a heatwave.
Today , for example , is 35 degrees celcius and tomorrow is going to be 37 C ( 95 degrees Farenheit and 98 F , respectively , for you Americans out there ).

We have the Australian Open on in Melbourne at the mo and all I can say is tennis players are definately earning those bucks playing in this heat. If the rest of us is hot , take a moment to consider that centre court is a substantial amount of degrees hotter...

Speakin of tennis ......

Aussie , Aussie , Aussie , Oi , Oi , Oi !!!

Alicia Molik Eclipses Venus

Hewitt beats Nadal

My dad also landed himself back into hospital last week. Turns out the papa has been neglective of his medication.
He had collapsed in the backyard of his property in Queensland and was unresponsive for at least an hour.
An ambulance rushed him to the hospital and plenty of fuss and worry was made amongst family members.
His reply was to come to conciousness in ER and promptly ask for KFC.
Grrrr smacks have been reserved for daddio.

Other then all that , I havent had a lot of time for online venturing other then the occassional peek in The Photo Forum. I dont have the net set up at my sisters and I have been working two jobs.
Busy Busy Busy....

Oh and I have some good news but I really gotta run to the second job now so I'll report back tomorrow.

Ciao for now kiddies ! * waves *

Letters

Whilst packing the last of my belongings tonight , I came across a treasure trove piled in a basket.
Sat down and wandered down memory lane awhile.
Old photos of myself with friends , ex b/f's , some of my family , some of myself as a baby/young girl...
Birthday cards that I've kept ( yes I keep em all , they dont get chucked lol ).
Then letters.
Letters from my nan , my mum , Lisa...




I've just been sitting here reading all of them ...smiling and laughing at certain lines scrawled across the pages.
Then I started reading the last of the letters from nan and eventually some tears replaced the laughter.
I sat and thought about her and thought silently " I miss you so much nan ....".

Sometimes its almost as if I go through my days thinking she's still around , even though I know shes gone. Then I'm stopped suddenly and reminded of standing beside her open casket , my warm hand holding her cold hand , my fingers stroking her hand just like the way she used to do with mine when we held hands. Gazing at her for the longest time , thinking ...
" She looks so different , thats not my nana..."
Then I leant down in that noisy crowded funeral parlour room and kissed her softly on her forehead and whispered " Bye for now nana , love you...".
And a tear dripped down from my eye , landing on her cheek.
Appearing as though it was her own tear.
No goodbyes in this world can make your heart and deepest corners of your soul ache so badly like this kind of goodbye.

Heres a piece of writing she included in one of her letters...

' A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
and for the briefest moment the glory and the beauty belong to our world.
But then it flies off again and , though we wish it could have stayed...
we feel so lucky to have seen it ........'

That butterfly , my darling , beautiful nan , was you.

I love you.


I wrote a 'letter' to her a few years ago here

Trinkets In Boxes

Mum and Mal ( the M&M's ) phoned me at work before lunch , announcing they would be at my place in a few hours , with a trailor , to grab all my larger bits of furniture.
My head was filled with stress already so I was like " Arghhh , I havent got things really ready " !
They tried callin me last night but couldnt reach me and today was really the only day they could come down to do this.
I was grateful I have them to help me though.
I locked up the office during my lunchbreak and ran across the road to my place to organise what stuff was going with them today. Carted things downstairs.
Went back to work afterwards and tried to get in touch with Grace , the real estate agent , only to find shes away on leave. Spoke to an Emmanuel instead and worked out remaining rent to be paid ( for this week ) and getting my bond back etc.
Then paid a shitload of bills , dipping into travel funds to do it.
That was fun lol.
Came home after work and really got stuck into packing away all the little trinkets and belongings I have accumulated over the years.
Beauty products that sit on a shelf , ignored. Books I have read once and stuck in a bookcase. Salt Water Taffey from Ocean City Maryland. Stattuettes given on Xmas's past.
You get my drift.
Tryin to decide what to sell at a garage sale , what to send ahead of me to Toronto.What to give to my mum and sisters....
I'll look at something and think " I want to take that with me to Toronto " then I'll force myself to pack it in the 'Not coming with me ' box.
Even stuff that isnt of sentimental value , like a box of never-used Mikasa wine glasses or the like , I would take with me for my apartment in Toronto if it wasnt so expensive to ship over there.
Have a stackload of junk destined for the tip too.

Every time the mail arrives at work I hope that one of those letters is a letter saying I've gotten the work visa.
Gettin a second job to save the money I realllllly realllllly need to save for the trip is one of the 'stress' issues. The second is getting that visa.
Then theres campin out in my sisters living room for the next 9 or so weeks , the longer commute to work and the getting home at midnight and gettin up at 5 am every morning ( if I'm lucky to score a second job )....

And I'll stop now before I really turn this into a 'pity party ' and start gettin stressed up over it all again , like I was earlier today...

It was just one of those days where I'm lettin everything crowd on top of me. In the grand scheme of things these things are tiny. I'm sure there are many ppl who would swap their greater troubles with my tiny , minute ones in a nanosecond.

Time

Warped day , felt both down and stressed inside.
Bad case of Mondayitus on a Tuesday.

Can so relate to these lyrics sometimes.


'Time '- Pink Floyd

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine , staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to nought or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.


Yeah thats how I feel some days .....

I Know....

... this will freak my babe out .....

In the year 2005 I resolve to: Getting knocked up...twice. Get your resolution here

Looks like I'ma be a busy girly this year ....

Its a New Years Resolution random generator. Go see what ya get.

Fun At The Supermarket.

Song Playing : ' Unfinished Sympathy ' - Massive Attack

A slightly scary incident , healthwise , occurred about two hours ago.
I posted this on TPF, so I'll just copy and paste from that.

I almost passed out at the bloody supermarket !!

I got back home grateful that I managed the walk back.

I was standin flickin through magazines when I started to feel lightheaded and began to have trouble breathing.
So I joined the checkout queue ( behind a guy who had a packed trolley load of groceries ) and it just got worse.
I put my bag down and gripped the ledge and concentrated on breathing but every breath I took just felt hopeless : felt like the oxygen just wasnt reaching my lungs.
All it seemed to do was enter my mouth before blowing back out instaneously.
All accompanied with a 'nice' cold sweat , as a garnish.

My vision started blurring and the room started spinning increasingly faster and I silently willed/pleaded that the checkout chick hurry with the guy in front of me because I was struggling hard to hold onto consiousness and felt like I was gonna lose it any second.

Finally she got to me , as I continued to grip the counter to stop from swaying.
She musta thought " Geeze , another druggie " LOL !

Somehow , miraculously , I didnt pass out and made it outside into the fresh air , where I sat on the curb beside the road and put my head between my knees.
After about half an hour two very nice ppl stopped , out of concern , and asked me if I wanted water etc ...but by that time I was feelin better.

Blame myself for the incident though.
Reason being , I gave up smokin almost two years ago and basically lead a healthy lifestyle ; dont smoke , healthy diet , dont drink a lot of alcohol and I was working out regularly.

Alas in the last two weeks , over Xmas/New Years , I have been smokin and drinkin , and not keeping my fitness routine up at all.

When J was here I pinched a few ciggarettes , here and there , from him thinkin
" I'll be right , its only a couple , I wont take it up again ".

Uh no .... silly me went and bought a couple of packets over the holidays. And I only have myself to blame for that.
I had already resolved to go back to no-smokin tomorrow so this happening today has made this resolve stronger....

My body served me a nice little reminder eh ...eek !

My lungs are definately hurting already , so I feel the difference , physically , between the states of smoking vs no smoking.

One of the members from TPF , after voicing his concern , joked that he wouldnt have bothered going to the check-out. That he would rather pass out and cause a scene lol.

My reply : Passing out woulda been embarrassing LOL !

" Oh there goes the girl who passes out in supermarkets. The least she can do is pass out somewhere classier ! Such a commoner " !

Another Year Passes...

.... into the slowly fading realm of yesteryears.

HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRRRR !!!

2005 has a wonderful ring to it :)

Hope ya all had a great night , whatever you ended up doin.

May you all be happy and safe.

Great Ocean Road.

Just got some photos online from J's and my trip down the Great Ocean Road whilst he was here in Australia.

The J-Man




My friend Scott slippin his girlfriend Melissa the sly tongue lol.
Get a room !





Scott & Mel again.




We visited a berry farm in Timboon and went a-berry-pickin. For every berry I picked , I ate another one heh.
One for the baskettttt , one for my mouthhhhh mmmmm.



J again.



Our Berry Loot !

Xmas Day

Xmas Day was awesome !

A couple of the things I got were :

* A big coffee-table style book : ' Through The Lens - National Geographic , Greatest Photographs ' from my sister , Kristy.

* A photo album and fridge magnet frames from my other sister , Nikki.

* An electronic organiser , an address book with beautiful ' Mother-Daughter' quotes and a gorgeous embroidered leather carry case ( to store travel momentos ) from my mum.

I loved all my pressies from my fam !

Cody DID spark up a lot on Xmas Day too , he and his brother were absolutely spoiled rotten by Santa this year *wink* ! ...
Although by the afternoon , he came to me where I was sittin on the couch , and laid his head down on my lap , exhausted.
That aint unusual though ... Xmas Day has a mysterious way of rendering most people with a case of exhaustive-slump-itis...

I was talkin to J on the phone at the time Cody came for his quiet snuggle time with me.
I just sat , leant down for a kiss and whispered " Hey baby , have a rest " and stroked his hair.
His brother , Zane , is just an amazing baby ( no bias I promise ! lol ) ....
I have never seen a baby so bursting with smiles and beauty in his eyes.
Even when he coughed and it sounded like it hurt , he would then erupt instantly into the most beautiful smile.
Its as if he is this big , bright , bubble of joy poured into a little human body. As someone that has always gravitated to babies throughout my life , I've known my fair share and can safely say I have never met such a happy baby such as he.
I hope he keeps that inner glowing happiness.
I hope the world doesnt sully it.
I know , with gut instinct , that he is going to be a being that brings a lot of happiness to other people.
You look into his eyes and just see a quiet yet constant kindness ....
This observation is clear and undeniable.
When he snuggles into my arms and lays his face on my shoulders or chest in his lil way of givin cuddles ...I melt.

Couple of pics from that day.

Filling up a Xmas present in tiger pyjamas.




Trying it on for size.



Hmmm seems to fit well.




Photo Blooper but its a cool effect.




Zane makin his first Xmas lunch speech and so forth.

Friendship

Song Playing : ' Hey You ' - Pink Floyd

'Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what you’re told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don’t tell me there’s no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall....'


I was home , sick , from work yesterday and so was in bed sleeping when I was awoken by the sound of my name.
Groggily I slowly got up , unsure whether I had dreamt being called to , my hair stickin up all over the place like a birdsnest with ADD-afflicted baby birds as residents.
Walked out to my kitchen and looked outside.
Not a soul stirred outside.
Hmm ok nevermind then...
An hour later I emerged and walked downstairs to go to the supermarket and found a bag that had been pushed under my fence , evidently with the aid of a big stick lying , guiltily , nearby.
It had a book inside and an envelope with ' To Teens' written on it and knew instantly that it was Lisa that had been outside earlier , calling me.
I looked at the book inside the bag , turned it over to read the back.
I wont write the entire synopsis , just parts.

Its called ' Truth and Beauty - A Friendship '

' What happens when the person who is your family is someone you arent bound to by blood ?

What happens when the person you promise to love and honour forever for the rest of your life is not your lover , but your best friend ?

.... A portrait of unwavering commitment that spans twenty years....
...this is what it means to be part of two lives that are intertwined. This is a tender , brutal book about loving the person we cannot save. It is about loyalty and about being lifted up by the sheer effervesence of someone who knew how to live life to the fullest ....'

I 'awwwwwwww'ed' silently , smiled , and walked to the supermarket. Thinkin about her , thinkin about the almost twenty-one years of best-friendship we've clocked up so far.
Then it struck me.
The book that I have wanted to write , that I struggled to think of a story to fill it with.....
I am sitting on a goldmine of material , right there in our life growing up together.
Theres my first book.
Of course it will be fictional but I'm gonna plough the tonnes of experiences we shared as inspiration , for starters.

Then , when I opened her letter twenty minutes later , I had to smile and shake my head in wonder because , well heres an excerpt :

' Dearest Teens ,
Oh where do I start !?
You are the person who made my childhood hilarious ( hehehe).
I loved when you read to me in bed at nites [sic] when we had sleepovers.
We were inseperable...!
That was until when Ralf ' Walkie-Talkie ' came along .... !
Oh , the funny times ... we could write a book about it !
And we just might ... but not YET ! When we are old and grey... but you and I will never be grey ( hair dye ) ....'

She had also wedged a bookmark in the book , which looks like one she has used ..and the book looks like she has read it and passed it to me to read because she saw a mirror of us in it .. which I love.
The bookmark has a philosophical piece written on it about change.

' Change ; It can be exhilarating , annoying , challenging , and threatening. Sometimes you love it - a change is as good as a rest - sometimes you are uncomfortable with it. You resist it , endure it , fear it , cause it and HOPE for it.
Above all , at times you NEED it...'


In the letter she included old memories , in amongst present day news , that I had long since forgotten.
Such as the bit about how we nicknamed her b/f ( who later became her fiance and father to her two girls ) 'Walkie-Talkie '.
So I was standing at the supermarket , reading her letter and chuckling & smiling to myself.
As soon as I returned home from shopping , I sat down at my desk and started the book.

Merry Xmas !

Song Playing : ' Happy Xmas ( War Is Over )' - John Lennon.


Well its Xmas Eve ( 12:41 am ) as I type this and after I'm done with work later today ( 5 pm ) I am venturing back up to country Victoria , Seymour.
It got to around 36 degrees celcius today ( ok , well yesterday now ) and right now its a balmy 28 C .... after wrapping presents I went out onto my courtyard and it was absolutely gorgeous outside !
Ppl on the other side of the globe have commented before that it would be weird having a hot Xmas but I think theres nothin better !
Of course , that is because I have grown up experiencing hot summer Xmas days ....
Where everyone spends most of the day outside ( unless they're inside eating Xmas lunch ) wearin barely any clothin , sunscreen etc .
When I was growin up I ( along with most Aussie kids ) would just run around in bathers and spend the day running under the lawn sprinkler , gigglin our heads off , or in a pool ( our own or someone elses ) doing ' bombs ' from the edge of the pool , handstands underwater or floatin around in tyre tubes , in amongst playing with our new toys courtesy of 'Santa' *wink *.
Just a bunch of cheeky , bronzed-skinned rugrats !
Its daylight savings at this time of year so the night finally descends around 9:30 pm .... which meant extra playin time ..always a good thang ....*grin*.

Someone asked ( on the photoforum ) , the other day , when we each stopped believing in Santa and my immediant thought was :

'When I saw dad leaving a bong , a full bowl of 'mix' and 'cookies' out for Santa on Xmas Eve , instead of the regular milk & cookies'...

Thats when the gist was up , ppl .... coz my 9 year old brain realized that , nowhere did it say that Santa was a stoner ....
;)
Goin to spend Xmas Eve & Xmas Day with my mum , stepdad , two sisters and nephews.
Cody is sick and has been for the past ( almost ) two weeks :( ....
So I hope the gorgeous lil man is feelin somewhat better in time to soak up Xmas Day and enjoy Santa's pressies and everything good and kidlike for the day.
The poor darlin' has been sick almost every Xmas he's had so far ( three outta the 4 ) so I'm realllllly hoping he sparks up and is feelin good by the time the day arrives.
Its just been bad luck & timing that he catches a bug or whathaveyou around this time the 3 Xmas's outta the 4.
Kisses baby boy , see ya tonight , ya better give me cuddles and help us put out cookies and milk ( yes , the regular kind ) for Santa !

And its gonna be Zanes first Xmas ! Kisses and cuddles to you too , you happy , gorgeous lil cherub !

Alan , an Irish lad that was workin at the company I work for , rang me at work yesterday ( Thursday ) to wish me a merry xmas. He's been gone from our company for a week now as he left for another job closer to his home. He didnt have a great experience with my bosses ( surprissssssse ) but he and I got along like a house on fire so I was happy that he hadnt forgotten me and called to chat and send good wishes !
At the end of the convo he said " Mind yerself darlin ! "
I was like " Huh ? .... Do ya mean ' Take care of yourself '" ?
He chuckled and said in his thick irish accent " Yeah thats what I meant , only in Irish ... dont worry , I'll teach ya yet .... ! "
I made him promise not to lose touch and he's gonna call back again next week to get my home ph. number etc.
He and his wife are throwin a BBQ at their place in the New Year ... as a housewarming party .. he's invited me to that ....so we're all gonna be catching up then.
Ya know when ya meet ppl and know instantenously that they're gonna be amazing friends in your lifetime ... Alan is one of those ppl to me.
I really feel blessed that I have been surrounded by so many good , amazing ppl in my life.
Then I have met so many good ppl that have become friends in the past year or so ....

Thennnnn ... well I met my babe ... ( refrains , for the moment , from the mush-avalanche , its evident how I feel there ).....*wink*

Growing up in the environment that I did ( of the criminal-underground element , but wont go into it here ....) I encountered many , many potentially damaging and dangerous ppl , in our home and elsewhere....
Thankfully , though , my sisters and myself were kept close to the good ppl ( my mother and nana to name two ppl ) and were protected from it to a great degree.

I wont be back until the Monday after Xmas ( most likely , if my mum doesnt kidnap me the entire time I have off work lol ).
Sooooo I wanna take this time to wish you all an utterly happy and safe Merry Xmas !
May ya all get good pressies , eat & drink until ya fit to burst and generally have a relaxing day with the people ya love !
Most importantly , may you all remember just how good ya really do have it in life.

J , honey I shall talk to you today hopefully and on Xmas Day ( well , Xmas day on my side of the planet lol ) ....
Just know that I wish we could spend it together in person ....buttttt next year I'll be there :D ...

Hopefully it'll be a white xmas coz I've never experienced a cold , snowy Xmas .... never even had eggnog before so that's def gotta be in there somewhere next year too , lol !!

Oh and our apartment is gonna have mistletoe hanging everywherrrrrrrre ... like we need any excuses but hey ...* evil grin *

Sayonara good ppl , for now !

Love - T xxxooo

Maya

A handful of poems that I realllllly like , from a beautiful lady I admire , Maya Angelou...

'Still I Rise'

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.



'Phenomenal Woman'

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.


'I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings'

The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.


'When You Come'

When you come to me, unbidden,
Beckoning me
To long-ago rooms,
Where memories lie.

Offering me, as to a child, an attic,
Gatherings of days too few.
Baubles of stolen kisses.
Trinkets of borrowed loves.
Trunks of secret words,

I CRY.

Another Cool Site

Song Playing : ' Shine On You Crazy Diamond ' - Pink Floyd

Known about this site for awhile now .... this girly is an Aussie expat , and yes to state the obvious , shes now residing in the U.S....

Interesting & funny reading :D

An Aussie In America

I need to figure out how to set up a permanent list of links on this blog .... I've looked in blogger help a little (not extensively ) but havent had any luck so if anyone can tell me how I do this ...let me know...

[/lazy-bumness]

Exhalation

Never has it felt sweeter to be able to utter these words to you finally..

" I love you " ...

Which I finally got to tell you for the first time , in your arms and to your face , on the 4th December * smile *



Yeahhhhh for mushy posts !

Heres a pic of him ( on the far right ) in England with two mates ....



Just an excuse for me to look at his mugshot again , get used to seein pics of him *grin*

I displayed this photograph below ( by Philip Greenwood
) that I love , a few weeks ago , on here.
J and I went to the Sunday market at St Kilda the day after he arrived and he bought it for me !!

So I now own it !



I bought him a print from Philip too .... he chose one he liked , of a clifftop in Mt Buffalo in Victoria.

My babe also bought me this solid silver bangle at the market that day...




Heres my Xmas present from him .....


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Which he gave to me on 'Tina Day ' ( Monday 6th Dec - mark that in your calender *chuckle* ).
He had planned to buy it long before he got here and bought it while he was in Boston for his brothers wedding.
He was teasing me with a couple of hints , as to what it was , leading up to his arrival.
Its a necklace from Tiffany's called 'The Eternal Circle ' and I adore it !
I wore it out to dinner that night and pretty much havent taken it off since :)

I bought him a few things at the market too ... lol , it became a pressie game of Tag.
He'd buy me something ... we'd walk along the market further and he'd spot something HE liked ...so I'd buy that for him and so on ...

I bought him a ring too ... as a chrissy present.
Its sterling silver and the words " Love Conquers All " are engraved around it in Latin.
I got it engraved on the inside with my own personal message. It is too big for his ring finger *sad look * but the next size down that was available just barely fit on his pinky finger.
So I bought him a silver chain and he wears it around his neck.
Only one other jeweller sells this ring in the world ( and they're in the UK )besides the jeweller I bought it from ...Apparently a museum in the UK has the original.So this ring I bought him is a replica of that.

I have written down , in my 'pen and paper ' journal , everything about that day and night .... told a couple of ppl close to me all about it ...but for the first time , I feel its one of those things that I really dont wanna share with everyone because it was so special and for us ( I know that might not make sense ... ).
Just ...the dinner and everything that happened afterwards is something for his and my memories , moreso.
But , hey , if we end up havin kids one day we can tell them *grin *...
I know that it was one of the most beautiful evenings of my life so far and this man made me feel absolutely amazing ( he is absolutely amazing ) ...
Will say that we danced for the first time together that night and it was the best dance I've ever had :)
May there be many more dances with each other *wink*

Garden State Date

First day in my place alone...my little sister moved out this morning into her new apartment.
Hot & restless , I flopped down on my bed....no energy to do anythin else ...bored ....
Thinkin ...."Cant stay here all night....."
I looked at the time. 8:30 pm.
Hmmmm.
Dragged myself up , over to the computer and looked up cinema times at Nova , in Lygon Street.
'Garden State' was on in an hours time.
Ok , thats what I can do then.
Got bag , packed water and headed out into the warm evening.
Walked the half hour to the cinemas , bought the ticket and wandered into Borders to kill 20 minutes.
God there were so many ppl out.
Unsurprisingly. I mean , it IS 'date' night.
I guess I was taking myself on a date...just because I like being so different to everyone else and all *wink*.
Besides ,my real date couldnt make it ...I sent him out to buy cigarettes and he wound up in Canada somehow.....
Silly lad...
Garden State = another movie to add to my " OH have you SEEN this movie ?! Ya GOTTA see it , its good !!! " list.

Its funny ! Its a movie about normal ppl who are so refreshingly imperfect !
Anyone could so relate to them. The movie takes all their imperfections , nuances , embarrassing moments , quirks and makes these people beautiful in their imperfection.
What struck me the most in this movie , more then any other movie I've seen , is that these people actually TALK ( as well as behave ) like normal ppl in day-to-day life.
Not talk as in 'Hollywood-scripted-always-know-just-what-to-say-and-how-to-say-it' way that we're all so used to now.
Like , for example , just awkward things that slip outta ya mouth and ya think " Oh god , what I just said sounded really stupid just now...!" or " Um ....WHY did I just say that ...?!"...
Natalie Portman's character I related to a LOT ( except two things,which I wont mention here as to not give everything away lol ).
Especially related to her in the scenes towards the end...
Oh , and the ending - I loved too .....(sorry , cant fault this movie anywhere ....lol )
It just imparted the message ( reminder ) that life is messy and funny and weird and that is what is so charming and beautiful about it. That we should stop tryin to be something we're not ....to cease sugarcoating ourselves and others and trying to sand back the 'rough' bits ....
Because we're drowning out the music we're supposed to be dancing to...

So , yep ..gonna buy this movie on dvd when it comes out... *grin*

Afterwards I just strolled down Lygon Street , back into the balmy warm night. So many people walkin around ...so many cars on the road. Alone ....lost in thoughts of the movie , moving , going to Canada .....feeling just a teeeeny bit lonely I guess ...because I was wishing J was with me ..missing him.
I wanted to take him down to Lygon Street ( the 'Italian ' precinct ). Just a lonnnnnng street of restaurants & cafes ....of spruikers and ice creameries etc. That whole area of Carlton is really pretty. But he was only here a week and we were running from one place to the next already so ....( maybe next time ..? )
Still deep in my thoughts , I spotted a text book on a park bench. Opened on a page , a childs handwriting scrawled over it.
Instantly I sensed it belonged to a girl ; her schoolbook. I bent down to read :

" Night (which was circled ) ____________ Nite

Baby ( this one was circled too ) ____________Babby " ...

Flicked to the next page.

" Hello dad. I have to speak quietly. Were [sic] in a house made of candy in the woods and there's a nasty woman who wont let us out " Hansel Gretel.
Hi Clark. Batman here. How's Lois and the little girl ?
Robin and I have sent over a bib and some baby cloves [sic]. Kent Lane.
Good morning , Your Majesty. I have a frog here who claims to be related to you . Could this possibly be the one you are looking for ? The Prince ?
I would like to sell a red cape , that has a hood.It has a few teeth marks on it but no where they can be seen....."


This girl has a sense of humour , at such a ripe young age lol.... I like her.
She should go far *wink*.
( As you may have already guessed , I took the book with me ).

Strolled past cafes and restaurants down quiet Grattan Street. Almost was 'ran over' by a tiny yellow remote control car. Two men were playin with it. One laughed as I paused to let it go around my foot and I looked over and smiled , continued walking.
Stopped at La Porchettas for a small pizza and ate it on the way.
The moon was my companion on my journey home tonight.
I stopped for a minute at my front wire fence whilst I ate the last few bites left of the piece of pizza , lookin up at my building. It looked like a place in a storybook .....a building beyond a wire fence , old timber stairs leading up one side with colorful lantern lights alongside it. Leading to windows with the lamplight shining behind them in my living room.... and the moon hanging in the sky between the roof and the chimney....
Wish you were here baby...

Melting In Melbourne

35 degrees celcius in Melbourne ..... I'm now officially melting and cannot be bothered doin anything besides laying on my bed and blobbing.

Not that I'm compaining about the heat.... I lurrrve me some good summer heat ....

Arthur , one of my neighbours ( well , not a neighbour for much longer ) has already made dibs on my colorful lantern lights I have running alongside my outdoor staircase.
He's a sweet man .... he reminds me of Forrest Gump ...a little bit mentally 'slower' then most ....but , also , more of a 'real ' person then most ...
Nope , ya dont cop any bullshite from Arthur ...
Last night was one of those nights where everyone in the neighbourhood emerged , before sundown , and sat on porches or front lawns , or stood out in the street leaning on their cars ...drinks in hand ...chatting and enjoying the summer evening/night ...
Just the regular relaxing on a Friday night , after the week is done at work/school ....
I was walkin back home with a steaming box of noodles in hand and hung out with them for awhile and talked.
Everyone has their Xmas decs and lights up now.
I love this time of year ( newsflash eh , a lot of ppl do lol ... ).
So Arthur approached me , telling me how he walks past my place at night solely to look at my lantern lights.

" I just LOVE them [sic] lights you have ... they're so pretty ! "

I'm aware of his little walks past my house to view them ....ever since I learnt of this I have been turnin the lights on at night more ...

Just for his enjoyment...

I promised him I will drop them off on his doorstep when I move.

He beamed with joy.

Now .....for anyone who loves amazing photography , my friend Mark's blog is a MUST-CHECK-OUT !!

Mark's New Zealand Blog


He blows me away with the beauty of his photographs.

The Grotto

Heres just a couple of pics J took whilst on holiday....

This is one of his shots I adore ....its a place called The Grotto which can be found near the Twelve Apostles down Great Ocean Road , Victoria , Australia.




An Angel in Boston.






A little Goth with your tea , m'aam ?




I would lurrrve to see what he can do with a camera if he cultivated this natural talent... !

*Smooch babe* and , yes , I just posted these on the forum for critique from ' the real photographers too .... lol *wink*.

Heres My Heart

Finally , a face to the name ( or , seeing as I usually refer to my babe as 'J' - a face to the intitial *wink* )

Here he issssss ( and none of ya need an intro to my mug ... ya seen it enough thats for sure )

Cams Are Wonderfulllll Gadgets

I saw your face again today for the first time in days and the first thought that swam and bubbled to the surface was

" God I love you ...."

All Slept up And Canuckianless

Have some sleep under my belt now.
My Canuck-From-Canuckia is still on a plane , heading home ( its 3:45 pm Sunday Melbourne time so he has a fair way left to go ).
Even though this week whirled past , when he was here it seemed as if he had been here longer and I loved every minute of him being here with me.My lips hardly left his all week. Except to talk or eat and we did a lot of those two things too lol. Same with my hands ; constantly touching him and cuddling him.
It just felt natural having him near me ...

Now I feel at a loss....

Will come back and write more later.

Look , a sad-Canuckianless-girl







Took a few cam-shots after I got back from the airport this morning , before I fell back into bed.
And no , I'm not that ghost-pale ( actually got a tan this week from being out in the sun so much ! ) ..... but above is 'extreme-cam-washout-itus' ! lol

Giddiness & Sleep Deprivation

Well..... its 8:50 am Sunday and I just got back from kissing my babe goodbye at Melbourne Airport....

This is just a short entry before I go to bed , shall write more later when I catch up on sleeeeeeeeep.
We got up at 4 am , both bleary eyed and attempting to function on two hours sleep.

Hence me a berry berry tired girrrrly. And he be a tired laddie too.

I had the strongest of belly-butterflies in the days , hours and minutes leading up to his arrival .... this morning I had the opposite-of-butterflies , sick-to-the-stomach sensation when we were waiting at the airport. I had to fight back tears in the airport when it came time for him to board the plane and when I was walking out of the airport after sayin g'bye.

Yes , this past week has been like a wonderful wonderful dream that I never wanted to wake up from.

Yes , he is absolutely amazing.

Yes , he made me feel like a queen.

Yes , he is sexier and hotter in person.

Yes , the single females of Toronto are deaf , dumb & blind for not snatching this man up when they had a chance ( which I am oh so thankful for * wink* ).

Yes, I've fallen in love with this man.

Travel safely home baby ....I'll talk to you when you get home and I'll see you in three months

Goin to bed now .....

*Smoooooooch*

Beautiful Creatures Update

Came across this article in the Herald-Sun newspaper last Sunday...its the only day of the week that I ever bother to open a newspaper.

Sunday , November 28 2004

' Two dolphins thought to have defended a group of swimmers from a shark attack have been slaughtered by fishermen.
The carcasses were found in the waters off New Zealand where , days earlier , a school of dolphins had warded off a great white shark stalking a man , his daughter and two of her friends.
The dolphin are thought to have been caught up in nets left by fishermen fishing illegally in Whangarei Harbour , on the North Islands east coast.
When the two fishermen returned to find their nets damaged they are believed to have killed the dolphins in a rage , hacking off their tails.
Wildlife officers said it was "almost certain " they were the heroic dolphins because they were found in the same area the pod has been seen daily for months.
"This is how we repay these beautiful creatures for their help " said lifeguard Rob Howes , who believes he and the three girls would have been attacked by the shrk if not for the dolphins.
"We owe our lives to these lovely mammals" he said.
"This is nothing less then indiscriminate murder. I am absolutely sickened."
Parts of New Zealand are off limits to fishermen using nets because dolphins are known to swim in the areas , but some are ready to risk a fine because those same waters are rich with fish.'

- Sunday Herald-Sun.

Pure rotten ugliness senselessly murders pure beauty ; a recurring theme that never fails to render me absolutely speechless with anger & sadness.....but , at the same time , strengthens a resolve to do something to protect our beautiful creatures from barbaric bastards....

Landlady

My landlady has just left the office where I work ( I work right across the road from my home and she lives two doors down from me ).
I've already been told by Grace ( my contact at the real estate office ) that the new owners rang and asked her if I could get out of the place early etc...
I dunno , maybe its because my emotions are tied in with this but I found that kinda rude.

Like " Hey , 'girl-that-only-rents-the-place' , I bought your home and I want it now so can ya make like ya were never there & quickly fuck off out of it so I can be cosy and comfy in it..? "

Now Josie , the landlady , just stood in front of my desk and made out like I'm a bitch because I replied to her " When are you leaving ?" question with an "I am leaving the place on the 11th January ...."
( which is the date the legal ' 60 days to vacate 'notice ends on ).
The new owners didnt have any success with the real estate agent , Grace , so one of them , some woman , thought she'd ring Josie to compel her to walk into my workplace , cry some tears and put the pressure on me in person....and they both obviously assume that I will cave this way.
Situation is that I most likely will be sleepin on my sisters couch for the two month limbo period between January 11th and when I leave for overseas , as I obviously cant go signing any rental lease for a place of my own for only two months. Also its the cheapest option.
Josie flashed an 'angry' look before turning it into moaning and forcing the tears out in a " I'm so stressed out " manner.
Normally I would be sympathetic but I just had enough of this whole situation thats been going on this year past.
She let a person move into this place even when she knew she was gonna put it on the market a few months later.
Simply just thought of the $$$ she can squeeze out of a potential , unsuspecting tenant for as long as she could , sell the place ..then unceremoniously kick them out.
Then she took advantage of the fact that I live across the road and am a 'nice girl ' and flouted legalities ( such as the one about giving a tenant at least 24 hours notice in writing if wanting access to house to let people through etc.) Apparently this didnt apply to her , she would simply walk across the road whilst I was at work and ask to be given to key to let someone through an hour later.

So I firmly told her that , no , I will not be leaving early , I will be using my allotted legal time left there. That I have put up with having my , so-called , home walked through like a gallery all year and been MORE then obliging and nice about it.
Even though I bloody hated it.
When Josie was going through some emotional times in her personal life she has spoken to me about them and I have given her an ear and a shoulder to cry on.
Only thing I ask of her in return is a LITTLE respect and patience would be nice is all ......
Not this current " You are a non-entity..." attitude.
Told her that I didnt appreciate the new buyers and her putting the pressure on long BEFORE my time was up there...
She flashed the angry look again and put a finger up and said in a slightly threatening tone " OK then , you move out on the 11th ... but you are NOT to be there a SECOND more !!! ".
Well I never , at any point , implied that I would stay longer then the 11th.....
It's unfair of either of them to make me feel like I am a bitch for not making myself and my belongings disappear as soon as they snap their fingers....
But thats some people for ya ....if ya dont have the bucks , they dont give a fuck ....

She remarked , as she was walkin out of the office , something about how hard this situation is for her and the new buyer because " the poor woman wants to move in ".
Ok Josie lets look at this situation.
You now have a fatter bank account to the tune of $ 580, 000. Plus you own two other houses that are worth the same amount each.
This other woman now owns this wonderful , happy-vibe , place , smack-bang in the middle of every possible thing one could desire to be near to in this city ....which she'll probably renovate the shite out of and she gets to savour the feeling of knowing no one can take this place from her.
You poor , poor darlings.
Life is so terribly hard for you both , I wonder how you cope.
It sorta felt good to get some of my thoughts off my chest to her , because I have been nothing but accommodating , smiley and nice to her about the whole fucked up situation this year.
I think she was expecting me to be the normal " Yes Josie , thats ok ... no worries Josie , I'll leave pronto ...! " nice Tina ....but she got the assertive , firm , fed-up , oh cry-me-a-river Tina.
Surprissssssse ! Lol.

[/end vent]

Saturday Night Philosophy

Fragmented Me today ( not off on some psych -trip , relax lol ... just felt like takin a partial , freaky , cam-shot .... )



Wrote this in my journal tonight....
Yes , the one that involves pen & paper *wink*.....

I sit on my courtyard , resting high above the neigbourhood, writing this by candlelight.
Its a warm , late November night.
A full moon hovers amongst the clouds in this warm balmy night.
Since I started writing this entry , my flame from my New Orleans Peace candle has been extinguished twice by the soft , yet determined , breeze.
I walked out onto my courtyard after watching the movie ' The Forgotten', with my sister , Kristy. I sighted the magical white full moon and walked straight back in ( probably , predictably ...)
to fetch my tripod and camera.
Its loaded with Kodak Tri-X B&W film .... but thats fine....
In fact , come to think of it , its more then fine ... grainy B&W is just what is needed tonight , for this picture ( if the photos turn out ).
I cant stop feeling sad about having to leave my poetic lil sanctuary , that looks over this city.
When I glimpsed the new Chanel # 5 ad ( featuring Nicole Kidman ) well , the writers home ( meant to be his little haven overlooking NY City ) reminded me , distinctly , of myself and my home..
I found my soul again , in this place.
Not that I had ever really lost it...
I had started to touch it again though , in New Orleans & after I first returned home.
All those times I raced to Saint Pauls Cathedral , after work had ended for the day , and sat in the wooden pews and gazed at the beautiful leadlight windows perched high in this huge , magnificant , gothic cathedral, listening to lilting sounds of the boys springtime choir voices .....being filled up with something that , obviously , nourished and comforted me there. Thats when I started on the path to coming back to something worthwhile....
I guess I had the 'after travel blues' at the time .... St Pauls Cathedral , the leadlights , the angelic singing , became my solace for that time afterwards....
No , I am not in the least bit 'religious' .....
Spiritual yes , formally religious , no....
And in this place I call home now , I felt like I had started to come back to myself too.
Bear with me for going on about the sadness of losing my small sanctuary.
It is silly , I know this much. This space in the world is merely a tool to re-find something important. I was leaving this place in March anyway.
I guess I would have preferred to leave this place on my own terms , is all.....
Because it involved a personal , inner journey that had been sorely missed for a while.
I can hear someones music emitting over the neighbourhood below. This neighbourhood thrives with humanity and its many different beautiful colors. .... and I love it all.
The candlelight keeps on flickering , despite the wind almost blowing it out several times since I lit it for that third time. I am cupping it against the wind with my left hand , as I write with my right.There is a plane that is flying overhead on the horizon and sirens in the distance. I hear peoples voices rising above all the inhuman noises .... an occassional 'whoooop' here & there....
I am so in love with life right now.
Much more then I've ever been , I'm pretty sure of that.
In love with all the colors , the sensations , the smells , the skies , the light , the darkness , music ....
........animals........
........people ........
........my friends.....
........my family .....
More then anything , my family ....

And I find that I've been opened up in such a way that ....
( candlelight went out again , silly wind blew it out lol .... )
in such a way that I cry a lot these days....Things that touch me deep down in a mysterious place that wasnt available before ....
Now it's vulnerable.....
I love feeling this way ....
Open me up , make me feel .... I never wanna be numb again.
I wanna feel someone elses tears ...so what if its saddening ...
At least its real.
I've turned off the tv... because that numbs me ....
I dont read the newspapers anymore ... because they have the same effect.
I dont wanna be fed a virtual , fake , life by proxy anymore.
I want it first-hand.
Hence , I'm takin this show on the road , kiddies.
Throwin the towel into the ' security ring ' ..... as much as I crave 'security' , I know I have to up and see the heart of this world. I aint in this world to be 'secure'.
* Looks up at moon again *.
So , as much as I dont wanna give up this place , I have to let it go and move on to the next chapter.
Our biggest struggle is when we go against the grain of mother nature/life , instead of accepting and moving with it.
Why were we made like this ?

*Philosophical Saturday Night discussion over .......*
Maybe I should get out more....*Wink*

Mental Note : Must buy little portable tape recorder to record little inspirations ..... ( most good thoughts emerge when I'm furthest away from pen and paper .... )

Boo ..... Me today .... fascinattttttting eh ?

S'more silly pics

Went to my aunty's 40th birthday last weekend. It was a 4 hour roadtrip one way ! Got a lil drunk on the way there , mum was driving so I kicked back , put some cool musak on and opened a can or two of bourbon.
Had s'more drinks at the party .....and felt like absolute shite the next day ....
So , after the 4 hour drive back , I came home on Sunday and did what any girly would do to try and feel human. had a shower , put comfy pj's on and facial-masked myself ( honey and oat if any girly is interested * chuckle* ).

Walaaaaa , behold the clown-faced one....

( Cue frightened screams ).







My honey is in London right now. He's been emailing me a lawtttt ( and I've been emailing HIM a lawwwwt ). He's going to the Tate Modern Museum and also to Stonehenge ( I am SO bloody envious of the Stonehenge visit !!! ).
I told him to take a hella lot of photos of Stonehenge ....or else he's gonna get his butt kicked , no excuses will be accepted
* Nods solemnly *.

I also want lottsa photos of the architecture of England. Not askin a lot am I lol.
I guess I'm just a nut when it comes to photography. I think of ALL the beautiful photos that could be had in England and put the pressure on my Canuckian babe to take em all in my absence lol....

On another note .... I still have absolutely NO idea about what I am gonna do regarding living arrangements. Will be paid up in rent until January 4th. A fellow classmate fron Spanish class has offered a room ( his housemate is moving out ). I'd have to meet his other housemate and all ... but theres one option at least....

I'm also still scared/nervous about my trip overseas. I am wondering if I am shooting myself in the foot by just taking off like I am planning to. I mean , heres why I am a lil scared.......

*I have refinanced my loan

* I will be applying for a work visa for Canada. If I get one , I dont really have much , qualification-wise. I have worked in the same job for 9 years but I dont have any certificates /formally recognised qualifications. So I still have to lob there in Canada and find a job that pays me enough to live off and pay my loan every week ( $ 70 a week on loan).

* After my time in Canada is up , I have to return to Aus with no money and no job.

Etc etc etc.
All these lil fearsome things are goin through my mind ... but I KNOW I have to go now. I cant put it off.
If I dont go now I may get stuck here somehow...

I'm just gonna have to go out on a limb , take a chance and dare.
I need to see Spain and Tuscany also , at the very least.
If I dare enough... maybe , maybe I will be able to write and photograph and make a new life for myself that way. Maybe , hopefully , I will become good enough to make a living off either or both.
All I know is .... if I stay here , in these circumstances , I will rot...
I only say that because of the job I am in.
I am a different person in this job , I am a zombiefied version of myself ... just another member of the rat race and I bloody hate that I am a shadow in this way.
Would never say that about anything else in my life .... because , for one thing , my family is so beautiful. As the days go by I am , increasingly , so grateful that I have such a beautiful , loving family.
My mum , my sisters , my nephews.....they are my heart....

Even though it might seem otherwise to them at times ( maybe ? ) ... I love them more then my own life. I guess I sometimes come across to them as maybe being self-absorbed and loner-esque.. I dunno ....
Constantly , I wish , that I could make their lives a little easier and give them more...

In this particular post I will highlight Nikki , my middle sister.....
Babe , I always feel as if I let you down in all ways. I was such a bitch to you growing up and I didnt cherish you like I should have. Just know that I do love you with all my heart and , if I had a magic ( fairy *wink* ) wand I would wave away all your worries and give you your prince and charmed life.
Unfortunately I cant , sweety , you're gonna have to wave your own wand to do that. But I have faith that you're strong enough to find your own way in life. You've given birth to two amazing lil boys and you've made your own way in this world.... so I know you have magic in you ;)....
Start believing in your own worth babe.

Lol writing about my little worries and fears has turned into a mush-fest for my family !
Ahhh thats what ya get from me.
Get used to it.

Beautiful Creatures

I glimpsed a news item on one of the breakfast news stations a few days ago. I only caught the end of it but the presenters were interviewing a diver who was telling his story...

He and another diver ( as far as I gathered there was only one other diver with him at the time ) were out in the ocean when , all of a sudden , there was a pod of dolphins completely surrounding them.
And CLOSELY surrounding them , for awhile.
One ( or both ) of the divers then realized that there was a shark ( great white ? ) in the water nearby and that the dolphins had closed ranks around the divers to protect them.
The shark eventually moved on and the divers , with the dolphin escorts , swam safely to shore.

I cannot , cannot , tell you how much I love dolphins. I love animals/mammals/birds/etc in general....

Actually , to note , I feel a huge affinity , respect and love for the feline species ; big & wild and small & domestic....

But dolphins ... oh those mammals are such remarkable, beautiful beings that I almost feel as if we dont deserve such beauty on earth.
It makes my soul weep in anguish to know that dolphins are slaughtered by assholes .... or caught and slowly dying in nets cast by ... you got it ; assholes.

I remember once seeing an article along with photos , showing fishermen in some asian country , in a boat .... and the river they were on was bright red.....
It was as if someone had filled a dry riverbed with red paint.
A river filled with pain.....
And they were slaughtering dolphins trapped in this river , trapped by them.
The dolphins were crying to each other ( and probably to the men ).
These creatures are like humans in the sense that they know they're being murdered. Don't ask me to explain how they differ to other mammals/animals in this respect. They have a high intelligence ( their brains are the same size as a humans brain )but I'll go out on a not so risky limb here and say that the dolphins intelligence is probably higher then a human beings.
So they cant build skyscrapers or write the lyrics to a hit song , or build an atomic bomb....
Doesnt mean we're of superior intelligence because we have the means to act on our thoughts .......

I sat there and cried like a baby , for a long time , after reading this article ( aint the first time I've cried over seeing what we do to other living things....)
My heart just hurt to its depths for them. To be honest , even now I have tears in my eyes thinkin about it.
I cant , cant , cant understand how humans can be so fucking deep-down , rotten UGLY!
These amazing mammals show nothing but love for us and a desire to protect us and men like these fishermen kill them in return.

For a long time , and even now , I wanted to work with dolphins but in order to be able to do that you need to go to college and study science/marine biology etc etc.
Theres gotta be something I can do to help them ....so I need to look into that.

I'll never make any apologies for the passion I feel for things such as this...
I would give absolutely anything to stop what we do to other living things for our own selfish means.

I'm deeply ashamed of part of the human race...

Not all .... just part.

And Counting .....

17 days until my sexy Canuckian boy gets here .......

17 days of not speaking much ...as he is off to his brothers wedding in Boston ...and from there he is off to England for a visit to friends ......

Then its back to Toronto for him , shower , repack , sleep , head back to the airport and then over to me ..... here in Melbourne ......

Bittersweet waiting ..... bitter for the 'waiting ' , sweet for the meeting AFTER the waiting ......
All I can think about is that first kiss ......

Heaven In A Window

For some reason , I think I might have posted this photo somewhere else in this blog....

( if so , forgive me *wink* .. I am too lazy right now to check ....)


I took this photo of a window , a few months back.
I was actually meaning to shoot the billboards which sit underneath this window ....
But , whilst I was setting up the shot , the sun peeked through the clouds all of a sudden , and smiled its bright smile at me.....
Bouncing its reflection apon the window glass , it captured the spotlight ..
( 'Scuse the tiny pun in that ? ) ...

I am still so new to photography that all I could do was point and shoot and pray that the reflection would turn out as beautiful , on film , as what I was seeing with my naked eyes....



Yep , using it as the current desktop....I like it amongst the black background as it seems as if one is in a dark room , this window serving as the only window to the world outside ...

I have so many images that have been scanned into my computer which I havent even touched yet ....

I must do that soon .. AND find a gallery space on the net that I can upload all my images too ......

Fill My Cup With Sundays

Song Playing : " Wild Horses " - Rolling Stones

I used to hate Sundays.

Sundays once meant the day before school......the dreary , grey , dull Sundays where I had to clean house , wash clothes and get things ready for the week ahead.

Still do all those things , nothing much has changed except for the fact that work has replaced school and I'm a little *cough* older ...
but now I get chores done early and saunter outta the house to play allllll day.

Went to Sexpo with Scott , Melissa , Tian , Liam and Neill on Saturday night. It was so-so. Didnt bring anything back , goody wise , but there aint nothin there that cant be bought at any regular Club X or lingerie store etc.

Went down to St Kilda again today and went on another of my little photography sprees.
Had some Kodak Tri-X film loaded so hopefully I'll get some nice grainy images of beachside St Kilda and its Sunday market etc.
It started to rain as I was walkin to the long St Kilda Pier but crazy me still stood/crouched out in the rain to take a shot of couples walkin back into shore huddling under umbrellas... my photography friends will completely understand the positions we get ourselves into in the pursuit of a good pic *wink*.
As I was strolling along the beachside market I came across two different photographers sitting at their stalls.....

Oooo La la .... sweethearts , can I pick ya brain for awhile .....

Very impressed with their work. One of the photographers ; a girl from England , uses infra-red film for all her photographs.
I realllllly like the effect of infra-red!
Especially on the photos where she has captured gothic style things ( example ...she had a pic of a big wrought iron , centuries old fence that stands in front of a castle in England )....the infra-red film lends an odd sort of eerie , glowing aura about it....
When she uses infra-red on architecture and whathaveyou ...it tends to still retain that black & white quality and you might even have to look twice before you realize it aint quite b&w ....infra-red is more dramatic when fauna/plant life is photographed with it. Leaves on trees have a 'snowy effect ' etc...


The other photographer I met is this guy...

Philip Greenwood

The first image to catch my eye is this image.....



I love churches ( for the architecture )...especially the old , old gothic -style ones.
He asked me if I was going to school and I replied " No , I'm teaching myself " and he seemed to like that , expressing his sentiments that its the best way to learn....

I agree .....Read and be taught something and you will understand it .. aint anythin wrong with that ....
But when you do it , get your hands dirty with it , experience the trial and errors ......you will learn by heart and you will produce beauty thats uniquely colored by your soul & heart ...
Not from the teachers idea of what they think is beauty and how to capture it....

After a while , he mentioned he wouldnt mind , on the occassions he has a professional shoot , having an assistant !!
That would be ....uh ..... ME !! *does happy jig *
So yes ... I'm going to take him up on that ...he doesnt know what hes in for lol.

On another note , but a note that I've been carrying around for awhile now....

One little sentence has been floating around for a while ....
Now its bubbling right under this membrane-thin surface...unaware of this concept of timing ...all it wants to do is hit air and breathe .....

( god that sounds like Alien or somethin ....)

Probably just as scary ... but in a quite different way ....*innocent wink*.

....You have my complete attention babe ....

( By the way ... that isnt the sentence *grin* )

M.I.L.K

Heres what I bought my best male friend , Scott , for his 27th birthday .....

M.I.L.K-Humanity

Its simply an amazing , heart warming , coffee table style book and you'd be hard pressed not to have your spirits lifted by it.

Its not a cheap book ( $ 65.00 AUD ) but its worth every dollar....

I told my gorgeous girly friend , Kara , on the phone yesterday that its that kinda thang where ya buy it as a pressie for yaself and demanded she have a 'Kara Day and buy it ....somewhere along that day ....

Hmmmm Chicky .... did ya ? Huh , Huh ? * raised eyebrow *

I bought it for myself and I'ma put a lil inscription on the inside ....

" To Myself .....

Here ya go ... to cheer ya up and give ya inspiration always ....

-From .....Myself "

Haha ! Hell , why not .....?! .....

* Silly Grin *

Well , Its Official

..... I have to move out of my beloved home....

My landlady's daughter walked into my work today ( I live directly opposite my workplace ) and informed me that my home has been sold and the new owners want to move in a.s.a.p......

But , legally , they have to give me 60 days notice ( minimum ). Its really bad timing as that means that the deadline will be around the 10th of January next year...

That means that we have to do some quick searching and finding of a place right over Xmas break....
Also... my sister ( who lives with me ) will be in Queensland from the 1st January to the 8th January........so she's probably gonna have to do some fast moving/planning.
The deadline of January ( with our living arrangements here ) leaves me with under 2 months of limbo time before I leave to go overseas.....( hence I cant go signing any lease ).
Kristy wants to move away from this area and closer to our other sister ( which I completely understand ...)
I wanna hang around this suburb ( I work in North Carlton ) and I'm gonna need to get a second job around this area after Xmas ( to put flesh on malnourished travel funds )..which means that it would help to keep both jobs and my home in this area..
Yowzer , everythings up in the air now ...
( presses 'Dont Panic' button once again tonight ...lol ).

Even though it was hardly a surprise I teared up a little ( not in front of said landlady's daughter but immediantly after she left ....).
Whilst she was there , I remarked to her that I adored this place and I was so sorry that I had to leave and she replied with....

" I lived in that place when I was younger , also....back in 1974 /1975...
I , also , loved this place ....
It has such a beautiful , positive , calm energy about it , hasnt it ....."

( shite ..I was born in '74...goin back a few years now lol .....).

And even though she expressed some sort of ' I understand ' sentiment ...it seemed skin-surface... more of a ...
' I really couldnt give a stuff darlin , but I'll play 'sensitive'.

Some woman from Western Australia has bought my sleepy lil dream.
She wants it and she's got the $ 600, 000 odd bucks , hanging around in her bank account , to own it ...
......and so she shall......

I guess I felt , for a little while this afternoon , a wondering ....
If I'll ever find anything in my life that will bring me happiness for the longest of whiles..
........without thumbing its nose at me and becoming someone elses .....

Hell , I know the truth .... happiness is within ...its not anything that can be instilled from the outside in ... its from inside out ....
( yeah so , fuck it ... I'm cliched and corny that way ....)

I know this ..... but , happy to report ( ha !) ... I'm human and I have weak moments where I respond ( initial , immediant reaction ) like a child who's lost her favourite toy in the world ..... I am like this for the first day or so....

Then I take a day ( or so ) to really come back to whats important ...I remember the positive and I gain some strength and insight back....

For the rest of the afternoon, I was a lil tearful and I questioned why I was being so emotional about a PLACE ....especially when I was expecting this sorta news.....AND remembering the fact that I want to travel come March next year....

I guess it comes down to the fact that I experienced a wonderful , 'I'm home' sensation .... I had found a place that felt like me and it felt wonderful....
I had started to feel like 'me' for the first time in years....
The running theme of my life so far is that , whenever I find happiness /security .... something or someone comes along and pulls out the carpet from under me ....
( Scuse the self violin playin .. i'm havin a 'feelin sorry for myself ' moment ... it'll pass *sticks tongue out * )

All I hope /wish for is to find my place in this world...to find my peace ...my place that no one can take from me ....ever.....

I dont know what I would do without my mum .....I called her after work and just sooked and cried over the phone ( yes I was just an emotional girly this afternoon )...even if she didnt provide immediant answers .... she's my mum and she's there and is the centre of my world....and thats all I ever need and want in my life.
She cradles my heart and wipes away my tears .... she smiles when I'm smiling , never judges and picks up the pieces every single time...

Mum , if you ever read this ( I tell ya in person enough anyway ) ... know that you are the most amazing person in the world to me....

My arms will never reach quite wide enough to show you just how 'BIG' I love you ... you were the first person who loved me ... and the first person I ever loved ....

'Nuff said..... :X

And Scott .....some friends are simply family that one has chosen .... you are that darlin .... you stop me from taking life too seriously and there is no way that I am lettin you wander outta my life *smooch*.
You took my mind off certain thangs tonight.

Josh ... the same goes for you too *pounce & smooooooooch * ....
but I better not say the other things I wanna say coz I sorta wanna keep this a lil , uh , PG rated ..... *goofy look *.

Meet Rumi

Poetry of Rumi - 13th Century Persian mystic


Ode 314

Those who don't feel this Love
pulling them like a river,
those who don't drink dawn
like a cup of spring water
or take in sunset like supper,
those who don't want to change,
let them sleep.
This Love is beyond the study of theology,
that old trickery and hypocrisy.
If you want to improve your mind that way,
sleep on.
I've given up on my brain.
I've torn the cloth to shreds
and thrown it away.
If you're not completely naked,
wrap your beautiful robe of words
around you,
and sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I swallowed
some of the Beloved's sweet wine,
and now I am ill.
My body aches,
my fever is high.
They called in the Doctor and he said,
drink this tea!
Ok, time to drink this tea.
Take these pills!
Ok, time to take these pills.
The Doctor said,
get rid of the sweet wine of his lips!
Ok, time to get rid of the doctor.

Brothers

Here are a couple of shots I took of my fave mini-men , nephews Cody & Zane.
Now I'm still completely photoshop illiterate ( workin on that lol ) so the photos could probably be improved. Then again its probably good that I have no clue about PS...as I'm forced to learn to get shots the way I want them in-camera first.


Whatcha wanna be when you grow up .....

A fireman ......?



...Superman ...?



Or maybe , simply , just your little brothers hero ....



....his protector....





(I was cropping the image above when I realized what song was playing on my musicmatch jukebox at that very moment...... "Brothers In Arms " - Dire Straits ....)


Zane Contemplates ....on why his foot is unusually fuzzy

Happy Birthday Cody !

Song Playing : 'For Once In My Life ' - Stevie Wonder

Its my nephew , Cody's , 4th birthday tomorrow. The spunky mini-man is growing up too fast !!!

Cody , baby , ever since I first saw your face , your smile , it has warmed every corner of my soul and heart.... :)
The purest love is the kind of love where you would throw your life down , in an instant , to save theirs ....without any doubt or a blink of an eye.
That is the love I have for you.
The day I met you was the day my heart decided to forever walk beside me , vulnerable and out in the open , in the world.
I also feel this way for your new little brother and I know I'll feel this way for any kids I might be so lucky to have one day.

Have a magical , fantastical birthday sweet beautiful boy !
Next year will be schooltime too .... ohhhh myyyyyy !!

I made a Piñata for the Codeman ! ( ok well I bought the Piñata ....but I filled it myself !!! ) Lol....
I filled it to bursting level , with all sorts of good sweeeeeeet thangs kids lurrrrrrrve to eat , sparkly party confetti and little toys.....

Behold the Piñata .. ;)





Oh and cant forget the proper Piñata stick to bash it with .. haha !

Urban Sanctuary

Song Playing : ' You Are My Sunshine ' - Ray Charles

Its dusk in Melbourne.
The sky turns down its vibrant color , staining itself a deep , dark baby-blue and grey.
The trees and rooftops of Fitzroy and Carlton become slumbering sillouhettes.
The music ribboning out from my stereo slides out my open bedroom window and seductively serenades the city.

My window is my live , ever moving , murmering painting of the city that watches over me ...
As I watch over it....

I slide off my dress that I'd been trying on , the lamplight casting golden light over my skin. It chases small shadows around the curves of my waist and limbs.
My white cotton curtains ripple and billow slightly as they flirt with the cool night breeze that is whispering into my room.
The curtains part and my eyes linger over the road below , bordering the right side of my window.
Headlights of passing cars stream towards me , passing below ....then disappearing.
I dont worry that drivers might see me. And if they do , I care little.
If they , for some wierd reason , divert their eyes to the very far left....to a window up high on the side of this building and catch a glimpse of skin beyond the thick white curtains...they've passed before they even realize what they're seeing.
My ole bluesy music plays on and my gaze drifts to my favourite view from my apartment ; the city skyline.
Those tall skyscraper buildings , with blue and purple lights , which keep me company whenever I'm at my keyboard , writing. Or speaking on the phone.
I stand there , burning this sight into my memory.
Remembering to include , in this vision , the bats that fly across my window and into the big ol' tree that stands on the right hand side.
As I change into the dress I was initially wearing , my head is full of the small loss ahead of me.
The owner is selling my apartment and the shop it rests apon.
My heart aches a little at the looming split.
I love this place. More then any other place I have lived in , THIS place is mine. It was if this apartment and I were a destined couple.
The name it hums is mine.
And it hums every day.Its lullaby soothes me to sleep at night.
I wanted to , at least , have one more summer here. This is a place where spring and summer brings it to life and it is at its best.
The smooth timber floorboards cool my bare feet.
The freshly painted white walls glow with the streaming sunlight that infuses this space during the day. Smouldering with candle or lamp light during the nights.
The gentle smell of my sandlewood incense wafting through the airy rooms.
The neighbourhood birds ; sparrows , willy wagtails , pigeons ... they all love my place as much as I do.
They play in my courtyard every day.... bathing in the little birdbath I set up for them , sheltering on rainy days under my sloping roof .... and eating the breadcrumbs I scatter around for them each day.
BBQ's on the courtyard overlooking a drowsy warm city. A spread of rooftops below , as far as the eye could see.
When dusk settles over this city it turns magical.The skyscrapers that line the horizon light up like glittery wands.
The guy who lives across the road is outside again , smokin his cigarette and glancing up every now and then. I sit at my desk and write and he sits outside for awhile and smokes. I think the presence of the other must reassure both of us that in the midst of the noisy hustle and bustle , there are at least two of us who have slowed down for a few moments in time.
But when I leave , he probably wont miss the sight of me and I wont miss him...
Thats life ..... its ever shifting.
We move on ... casting our eyes ahead.
I hope I find another place that fits me as much as this one. One which cultivates this sense of peace and happiness and creativity....
I keep reminding myself of my goal of living in New Orleans a spell...finding a place like this one , all of my own ...and playing my blues /jazz music , dancing , writing my first novel , breathing in that musky warm air....
Thats where I gotta go next.
Everything happens for a reason. This place will be sold and I wont linger too long because theres somewhere else I gotta be.
Then , eventually theres that house by the beach I dream of, the beautiful luxurious bathroom and darkroom that will be in it and the parting with this place seems easier.
Its funny how one attaches oneself to places and things , when our home is inside of ourselves......

I hope the new owners see the charm in this place that I do...I hope they dont renovate its charm right outta it....
And I hope they're kind to my little feathered buddies.