Feeling creative, wanting to write. Decided to just keep these creative juices flowing into something, well, substantially creative by just keeping the fingers moving.
A'la lil exercise doing just that. The tv is on so I'm not in ideal writer-modeness.
At least, not the mode needed to come up with an orginal story concept.
100 things I like/love.
1. The smell of fresh bread drifting from a bakery first thing in the morning.
2. The first scent of Spring.
3. Laughing until the tears roll and the belly hurts.
4. Cute kids sitting in prams ( strollers ).
5. Weekends where I dont have to go or be anywhere.
6. Movie nights.
7. Watching an inspiring movie.
8. Listening to a great song/album.
9. Watching and hearing a baby giggle.
10. Watching Josh shave in the shower.
11. Kissing Josh.
12. Ok well, anything Josh in general.
13. Long, luxurious massages.
14. Tulips. Any color.
15. Lillies of any kind.
16. Listening to someone speaking spanish.
17. Photography. Particularly black and white.
18. Drooling over SLR's ( Nikon D70, commmmme to mama )
19. That endorphin rush after exercise ( not that I do any these days blah ).
20. Most documentaries.
21. Reading National Geographic.
22. Smell of freshly brewed coffee.
23. Kahlua.
24. Baileys.
25. Shooting a good photo and looking at it and thinkin " Oohhh, I captured that ?! Maybe I have some knack for this ...."
26. Talking to my nephews. Being called a Do-Do Head by Wise, Elder Nephew( pronounced doe-doe ).
27. Kisses on the back of my neck from the J-Man ( he planted a few on me just now and I remembered how much I love em haha ).
28. Long, stimulating, great conversations about anything.
29. Stroking Lucy's fur and chatting to her after a long day at work.
30. Feeling optimistic that I can, one day, stop wasting my days stuck in a mind-numbingly boring office ( or any job I have zero passion for ).
God that job is BORING. Ditto the office-talk that comes with it. I would easily spend my day just doing my job and not have to participate in the, mostly gossipy, chatter but then it would just seem that I'm rude and snobby.
( Josh was just on the computer and added things to my list such as having wild monkey sex with him etc but my sisters, who read this blog, dont need that visual so I think I'll leave those ones out, ahem ).
Sorry Nikki, you've still got that visual huh. Think of dolphins or somethin to anihilate the thought.
31. Reading a great story with an original plot.
Cookie cutter stories with cookie-cutter dialogue, characters and ending cause my mind to lie back and think of England, cursing me for subjecting it to yet another wham-bam-thank-you-mam story equivalent to Leisure-Suit Larry.
32. The sweet scent of summer rain after a bout of hot,humid days.
33. Margahritas ( I swear I'm not alcoholic ).
34. Dreams of travelling to places such as Tuscany, Rome, Greek Islands, Spain, St Petersburg, Africa ....list goes onnnnnnn.
35. Dreaming of owning a house of ocean views in Italy or any beautiful place thats warm all year round and spending my days writing and taking photos.
36. Daydreams in general.
37. The taste of a rich, chocolately milk rolling over my tongue. ( lately it's been Rolo flavoured milk ).
38. Being overcome by a frenzy of creativity.
39. Warm, soft sunlight on my bare skin.
40. Animals.
41. Dolphins and whales. Learning about them.
42. Not having the tv on.
43. Walking around discovering a new city.
44. Falling into bed feeling exhausted, after a productive day, and knowing I can sleep in the next morning.
45. Expanding on # 38, not being able, or wanting, to stop once the creative juices are flowing.
46. Hearing about people saving/caring for animals.
47. Sitting on a lookout over a city and gazing upon the city lights, watching lightening in the distance.
48. Being safely indoors and listening to and watching a thunderstorm.
49. Coming home, taking a hot shower and getting into soft, warm flannelette pj's and fluffy slippers in the cold of winter.
50. (When I am that way ) being fit.
51. Gazing out the car window out into the dark night on long drives when I was a kid. Or resting my head against a pillow and falling asleep during these drives.
52. The knowledge that my mum is there to take care of me if I'm sick or need her T.L.C for any other reason....regardless of my age.
53. Purity.
54. Seeing and listening to a good, passionate, handclapping gospel choir of amazing voices.
55. Watching the All Blacks perform a haka before a match. Watching the faces of the opposing team in response trying not to shit themselves.
56. The way kids tell it 'how it is'. Not much comes out of their mouths edited for others easy conspumption.
57. The wonder of children. The 'newness' of everything to them, yet the juxtaposing organic wisdom they also possess.
58. Singing along to Jeff Buckley's 'Last Goodbye' out of tune and Josh turning up the tv to drown me out.
Causing me to sing LOUDER.
59. Finding old diaries/letters/scraps of paper with random poetry/thoughts of mine and sitting down and reading them.
60. That feeling of release when I cry.
61. Yawning.
62. The fact that even thinking about yawning produces one.
63. Invisibility.
64. Reading an interesting blog ( and mine isnt one of em. I'm positive that maybe only 4 people read this and they're family members and friends.)
65. Graffiti that makes me go " Wow, great point! Y'know I never thought of it that way...."
66. The smell of petrol.
67. Watching my cat zoom around the apartment and leap into the air, either playing with her ball or her imaginary friends she hasnt yet introduced us to.
68. Also, witnessing the domestics she has with her scratching post.
They get into some serious arguements.
She has to take off into another room for alone time, ending it 20 seconds later by zooming back into the room and pouncing on it all " I missed youuuuuu.I'm sowwwwy !" like.
69. This number. Naughty,naughty.
70. Cute firemen in their uniforms. Hummina Hummina.
71. Sensing my nana near and feeling she is watching over me.
72. Hanging out with my sisters and mum.
73. Having my apartment sparkly clean and smelling yummy due to incense or candle.
74. Hanging out in bookstores.
75. Philosophy.
76. Sitting on a beach and watching a sunrise or sunset. The way the scent of the ocean clears my mind of worries, fears and doubts and opens up to answers, ideas and a calmer sense of being.
77. Revisiting favourite childhood books. The Narnia Chronicles, The Magic Faraway Tree, The Water Babies, Snugglepot & Cuddlepie, The Witches....to name a few.
I just realized a lot of this list are book themed. Moving on...
78. Dancing.
79. Sweet closure on past painful events. Moving on knowing that I've grown from it and that things always happen for a reason.
80. Fiestas, street festivals.
81. Water slides.
82. Seeing wedding parties out getting their photos taken before they head to their reception. Searching for the bride to check out her dress.
83. Accomplishing goals.
I always dreamt ( but never seriously thought I'd do it ) that I'd travel. New Orleans was always one of those spots I fantasized about exploring. I am living this dream right now, albeit poor as a mule on a mountainside. In debt up the wazoo at the mo but is it worth it? Affirmative.
It took a certain amount of " Stop thinking 'One Day I will...." and get off your ass and do it right now'..."
Next stop: going back to school and getting a degree/diploma etc.
84. Vegemite toast and crumpets. Apply butter, wait a moment while it melts into said crumpet/piece of toast, spread vegemite on until its all melty itself, eat. Aussie in her happy place.
85. Mexican food. Italian food.
86. Knocking off work on a Friday.
87. Wandering around a marketplace with money to burn. St Kilda Foreshore Market on a sunny, beautiful Sunday is a fave one. Walking along the Upper Esplanade, checking out all the wonderful, original items for sale and enjoying the view of St Kilda beach, then going for coffee down Acland Street. Ahhhh I miss that.
88. Feeling loved.
89. Brightening up someones day. Even if its something as simple as smiling at a stranger who, unbenownst to me, has been having a shitty day up until then.
90. Beautiful, unique jewellery.
Simple, delicate and elegant silver/platinum/white gold or funky, one of a kind, symbolic pieces are me. I dont wear a lot of jewellery but, when I do, I do it in a K.I.S.S ( keep it simple schweetheart ) kinda style.
91. Double Hit popcorn from Kernels
92. Pickled onions. Not the sweet ones, the big fat vinegary ones.
93. Eating fruit that isnt overly ripe (is still pretty firm to the touch) and tangy. Mangoes, blackberries, plums ( mmmmm Blood plums), pineapples, peaches etc. Cutting up a lemon and eating it as is or drinking freshly squeezed straight lemon juice is also goooooooooood.
94. Tropical climates.
95. Candles.
96. Knee high, zip up black boots with platform heels.
I cant wear heels that make my feet arch.
97. Having long nails and getting them all frenchy manicured. Frenchy pedicures too.
98. Perfume: Angel, Jean Paul Gaultier, Strawberry Oil ( from The Body Shop).
Theres a lot of perfumes I like but these are my sig scents.
99. Being afforded another day.
100. Finding more things to add to this list.
I cant believe you've actually read right down to here.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Babe !!!
HAPPY ONE YEAR CYBERVERSARY SWEETHEART !!! Here's to one year of becoming aware of each others presence in this big world.
Heres to falling in love with each other and crossing this world just to be together.
You make me so happy and continue to amaze me with everything you do and everything you are.I want to fill you up with as much happiness and contentment.
Dunno about you but I plan to put many numbers in between ' Happy __ Cyberversary' !
The one year Anniversary is cominnnnnn (December 4th )! Buckle ya seatbelt.
Love you honey
Thursday, July 14, 2005
A Note On Religion
Just a note about the previous post....
The intelligent and loving force of our world which I refer to is not sprung from any religious dogma or doctrines. I dont subscribe to them and, frankly, people who try to push their 'beliefs' down my throat piss me off.
While such people may have good intentions, I wish they would realise that other peoples quiet quest for some understanding of spiritual truth is a deeply personal journey that, ultimately, only they can make alone.
The teachings which you pursue are great, whether it be via a book, in a church, a spiritual leader etc ...if it all taps into that place inside of you where YOU are bought closer to understanding. It is but a tool in order to do this.
I, however, am going to listen to my own heart, find my own way to tap into it, listen to what feels right. So I need those people, who get into my business, to stop spouting their doctrines long enough, so that I have the quiet required to hear this almost inaudible whispering deep down in my soul.
If I have to get naked and dance around a fire like a lunatic to do this then handddddd me the matches babbbbyyy !
And don't peek at my sinful pagan butt, willya ! I'm shy ;)...
Some call this being 'God'..some call it by other names.
There are many incarnations and names of this mysterious force, in religions across the board. Differing interpretations are wonderful and good.
To veto another's interpretation, because it doesnt support your own is just ignorant. And ignorance and intolerance is at the heart of many forms of ugliness humans wreak on each other.
We have some religious teachings cultivated and twisted by man over the centuries to support whatever bias/purpose of particular powerful establishments at the time.
For anyone or anything that didnt support the 'status quo', that held differing beliefs and ways of living ....well such 'unsavoury' individuals and information went 'buh bye'...
( or, at least, some groups of people tried to make them go buh bye..).
History is rife with supression and murder, committed by humans in the name of 'God' and organised religion.
I feel that there are kernels of truth in religious teachings.
Yet it is the tonne of embellishment ( along with the omission of conflicting information ) , laid nice and thick on top of it all, that I cant ( and wont ) swallow and stomach.
The game of 'Chinese Whispers' springs to mind.
I'm not attacking anyone's belief system here. I am merely getting fed up with people ringing my doorbell at my home, preaching Christianity at me through the intercom. Or talking with someone and having the conversation peppered with " Jesus ( or insert other religious figure ) wants you to accept Him into your heart" etc etc..
When I am in the mood, I love nothing more then to sit and talk about other peoples views on this subject. I am not adverse to listening to differing ideologies.
In fact I find it interesting.
The aforementioned situation is fine because its on even ground and on each of our terms. I am inviting debate/discussion on the topic so therefore it isnt a time where I feel 'cornered' or feel as if I possess a 'poor, unenlightened' soul that someone else feels compelled to 'educate' and 'save.'
At the end of the day, it just seems as though those who take the liberty to preach to others, uninvited, convey the attitude that their belief system is the 'correct' one, the only one, and others perceived 'belief system' ( for lack of a better term ) is wrong.
To reiterate, those people who have their personal spiritual beliefs, in whichever form they come in, I respect.
For those who push their religion on others and believe their way is the only way, take your attitude elsewhere because I have no time for it.
I've been told before that I wont get into 'Heaven' ( whatever Heaven is ) because I dont subscribe to such-and-such faith, because I am not 'playing the game by the rules'.
There's that presumptious " my belief's are right and yours are wrong " attitude again.
How the fuck do you know that your soul is going to 'Heaven' and mine will go to 'Hell' if I dont swallow the 'Jesus' pill simply because you told me to...?!
If someone 'hears the Call' , then they will seek it out and come to the party, so to speak.
Like the super cool movie 'Field Of Dreams': " If you build it, they will come..."
Ya didnt see ol Kevin C. going from house to house, hitting people over the heads with a baseball bat, didja ?
For example,one of the things I respect and admire about Nepalese Buddhist monks ( and Buddhists in general )is that they lead their lives and pursue spiritual enlightenment in a quiet, calm, respectful manner. They welcome others into the fray when they come seeking to follow the same path. When others ask them about Buddhism, they're open about it.
No hard sell. No knocking on the doors of peoples residences when they're trying to enjoy a quiet day off with their families on a Sunday afternoon. No stopping people in the street and preaching at them. No hippocritical " Do as I preach and not as I do " ( and, yes, I'm talking about priests feelin choir kiddies up... amongst the rest of it. Which is excused by " man is essentially flawed and sinful. This was a trangression tut tut". ). Buddhists are one example where I do not observe a lot of hippocrisy.
If I wanted your opinion on the best way to go about 'saving my soul' ... I would ask you for it. If I dont ask, then have the respect not to push it on me, however subtle.
I am not saying anyones beliefs are wrong or inferior to mine, I dont presume to have this knowledge. So show me, and others, the same courtesy.
This episode was bought to you by the letters 'OM'
;)
The intelligent and loving force of our world which I refer to is not sprung from any religious dogma or doctrines. I dont subscribe to them and, frankly, people who try to push their 'beliefs' down my throat piss me off.
While such people may have good intentions, I wish they would realise that other peoples quiet quest for some understanding of spiritual truth is a deeply personal journey that, ultimately, only they can make alone.
The teachings which you pursue are great, whether it be via a book, in a church, a spiritual leader etc ...if it all taps into that place inside of you where YOU are bought closer to understanding. It is but a tool in order to do this.
I, however, am going to listen to my own heart, find my own way to tap into it, listen to what feels right. So I need those people, who get into my business, to stop spouting their doctrines long enough, so that I have the quiet required to hear this almost inaudible whispering deep down in my soul.
If I have to get naked and dance around a fire like a lunatic to do this then handddddd me the matches babbbbyyy !
And don't peek at my sinful pagan butt, willya ! I'm shy ;)...
Some call this being 'God'..some call it by other names.
There are many incarnations and names of this mysterious force, in religions across the board. Differing interpretations are wonderful and good.
To veto another's interpretation, because it doesnt support your own is just ignorant. And ignorance and intolerance is at the heart of many forms of ugliness humans wreak on each other.
We have some religious teachings cultivated and twisted by man over the centuries to support whatever bias/purpose of particular powerful establishments at the time.
For anyone or anything that didnt support the 'status quo', that held differing beliefs and ways of living ....well such 'unsavoury' individuals and information went 'buh bye'...
( or, at least, some groups of people tried to make them go buh bye..).
History is rife with supression and murder, committed by humans in the name of 'God' and organised religion.
I feel that there are kernels of truth in religious teachings.
Yet it is the tonne of embellishment ( along with the omission of conflicting information ) , laid nice and thick on top of it all, that I cant ( and wont ) swallow and stomach.
The game of 'Chinese Whispers' springs to mind.
I'm not attacking anyone's belief system here. I am merely getting fed up with people ringing my doorbell at my home, preaching Christianity at me through the intercom. Or talking with someone and having the conversation peppered with " Jesus ( or insert other religious figure ) wants you to accept Him into your heart" etc etc..
When I am in the mood, I love nothing more then to sit and talk about other peoples views on this subject. I am not adverse to listening to differing ideologies.
In fact I find it interesting.
The aforementioned situation is fine because its on even ground and on each of our terms. I am inviting debate/discussion on the topic so therefore it isnt a time where I feel 'cornered' or feel as if I possess a 'poor, unenlightened' soul that someone else feels compelled to 'educate' and 'save.'
At the end of the day, it just seems as though those who take the liberty to preach to others, uninvited, convey the attitude that their belief system is the 'correct' one, the only one, and others perceived 'belief system' ( for lack of a better term ) is wrong.
To reiterate, those people who have their personal spiritual beliefs, in whichever form they come in, I respect.
For those who push their religion on others and believe their way is the only way, take your attitude elsewhere because I have no time for it.
I've been told before that I wont get into 'Heaven' ( whatever Heaven is ) because I dont subscribe to such-and-such faith, because I am not 'playing the game by the rules'.
There's that presumptious " my belief's are right and yours are wrong " attitude again.
How the fuck do you know that your soul is going to 'Heaven' and mine will go to 'Hell' if I dont swallow the 'Jesus' pill simply because you told me to...?!
If someone 'hears the Call' , then they will seek it out and come to the party, so to speak.
Like the super cool movie 'Field Of Dreams': " If you build it, they will come..."
Ya didnt see ol Kevin C. going from house to house, hitting people over the heads with a baseball bat, didja ?
For example,one of the things I respect and admire about Nepalese Buddhist monks ( and Buddhists in general )is that they lead their lives and pursue spiritual enlightenment in a quiet, calm, respectful manner. They welcome others into the fray when they come seeking to follow the same path. When others ask them about Buddhism, they're open about it.
No hard sell. No knocking on the doors of peoples residences when they're trying to enjoy a quiet day off with their families on a Sunday afternoon. No stopping people in the street and preaching at them. No hippocritical " Do as I preach and not as I do " ( and, yes, I'm talking about priests feelin choir kiddies up... amongst the rest of it. Which is excused by " man is essentially flawed and sinful. This was a trangression tut tut". ). Buddhists are one example where I do not observe a lot of hippocrisy.
If I wanted your opinion on the best way to go about 'saving my soul' ... I would ask you for it. If I dont ask, then have the respect not to push it on me, however subtle.
I am not saying anyones beliefs are wrong or inferior to mine, I dont presume to have this knowledge. So show me, and others, the same courtesy.
This episode was bought to you by the letters 'OM'
;)
Carrying Light In Darkness.
When someone close to you dies so suddenly and tragically at a young age, not only are you faced with the loss of someone you love....you face the fragility of life.
This fragility is what makes us beautiful.
Death has its beauty too, in that it is the cleansing release of the soul into a plane where one becomes everything again, not just a soul struggling in a limited mortal body. There are no lies in death.
I know that it was his time to leave , that questions will not bring answers because there is something bigger going on that humans will never quite understand. But, oh , to bring some understanding to his parents and siblings, to everyone who loves him...just to bring some comfort to their hearts, burning with heartbreak and grief which is engulfing them now.
I know he is in a beautiful place now. It's the ones who are left behind that face this long, dark night of sorrow and "why's".
Life takes a moment to create, 9 months to nurture into the world...but it takes mere seconds to be blinked out.
A breeze blows somewhere in the world and someones flickering flame is extinguished.
Making the world a little darker for those who surround them.
I guess that is why I light candles for people who I have known, when they pass over. The candle is my way of lighting an eternal light inside of me for them. A way of honoring them by promising to carry their flame for them until I myself pass on.
Someone you spoke to just yesterday could be gone today.
You could be gone tomorrow.
So live today as if it's all that you have. Tell your loved ones all the truths in your heart. Be true to yourself and don't ever live a carbon copy existence.
You were put on this earth for a reason. Your heart of hearts knows what it is.
Maybe one of the best things you can ever do is turn off surrounding noise and listen to that quiet little voice until you learn what it is.
This fragility is what makes us beautiful.
Death has its beauty too, in that it is the cleansing release of the soul into a plane where one becomes everything again, not just a soul struggling in a limited mortal body. There are no lies in death.
I know that it was his time to leave , that questions will not bring answers because there is something bigger going on that humans will never quite understand. But, oh , to bring some understanding to his parents and siblings, to everyone who loves him...just to bring some comfort to their hearts, burning with heartbreak and grief which is engulfing them now.
I know he is in a beautiful place now. It's the ones who are left behind that face this long, dark night of sorrow and "why's".
Life takes a moment to create, 9 months to nurture into the world...but it takes mere seconds to be blinked out.
A breeze blows somewhere in the world and someones flickering flame is extinguished.
Making the world a little darker for those who surround them.
I guess that is why I light candles for people who I have known, when they pass over. The candle is my way of lighting an eternal light inside of me for them. A way of honoring them by promising to carry their flame for them until I myself pass on.
Someone you spoke to just yesterday could be gone today.
You could be gone tomorrow.
So live today as if it's all that you have. Tell your loved ones all the truths in your heart. Be true to yourself and don't ever live a carbon copy existence.
You were put on this earth for a reason. Your heart of hearts knows what it is.
Maybe one of the best things you can ever do is turn off surrounding noise and listen to that quiet little voice until you learn what it is.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Messages to Brian
In the Herald-Sun today.
I'm a little outta the loop. I didnt know if anyone had put any death notices in but I had a feeling that if they had, the notices would be in today.
So I checked online...
I went out for dinner with Josh's family tonight, for his mums 59th birthday. I was laughing and joking, chatting and being my usual goofy self. As if nothing had happened.
I just didnt wanna be a wet blanket on Rhonda's birthday dinner so I pushed everything off into another world, out of sight. I'm an expert at this, so much so that I even fooled myself that nothing was wrong...so my smiles and laughter were genuine. I had a good time with great company.
And I feel guilty that I can do that right now.
It still doesnt feel real. And it probably wont for me because I cant attend his funeral and be there for my family.Yet I need for it to feel real, I need to feel that in order to say goodbye to him properly.Theres value in facing this kind of reality, no matter how awful or painful.
I'm a little outta the loop. I didnt know if anyone had put any death notices in but I had a feeling that if they had, the notices would be in today.
So I checked online...
I went out for dinner with Josh's family tonight, for his mums 59th birthday. I was laughing and joking, chatting and being my usual goofy self. As if nothing had happened.
I just didnt wanna be a wet blanket on Rhonda's birthday dinner so I pushed everything off into another world, out of sight. I'm an expert at this, so much so that I even fooled myself that nothing was wrong...so my smiles and laughter were genuine. I had a good time with great company.
And I feel guilty that I can do that right now.
It still doesnt feel real. And it probably wont for me because I cant attend his funeral and be there for my family.Yet I need for it to feel real, I need to feel that in order to say goodbye to him properly.Theres value in facing this kind of reality, no matter how awful or painful.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Day After Brian Left
Josh's mum, Rhonda, came over this morning to give me a hug and comfort me.
I love his family and I love the way they're gathering around in this time.
Josh has been giving me non-stop cuddles. He's been there in ways more then he realizes.His love and support has been a cradle for me today.
It's so strange when someone you love, one of your family members, one of your tribe, dies.
You wake up the next day...and the next...and the day after that and the world is just going on, business per usual. You find moments in the days following ( now ending Day One ) where you forget and you laugh and smile, get lost in a movie, talk about other things going on in your life and then you remember...
One of yours, who was here just a few days ago, is now gone.
Josh and I went to the Toronto Street Festival, just a 5 minute walk down Yonge Street from our apartment. We had planned to go all week and Josh asked if I wanted to stay home but I had to get out of the apartment.
So we went and I took the usual photos and felt guilty that I was in my own world for most of the day. Feeling like I was leaving Josh on the outer as I, almost obsessively, clicked away with my camera and sought out photo ops. I found myself apologizing to him for most of the time we were there. I cant imagine it was an enjoyable day for him.
I felt like I was walking in a daze today, fragile and bleary eyed.
Viewing Toronto, and its beating heart, through a lens drew me like a moth to a flame.
At one point we sat on the curb and watched children riding the Merry-Go-Round, delight in their faces, giggles erupting with each breath and I smiled at the vision in front of me.
Then the tears came again because I remembered Brian at the same age, giggling with so much life in him and so much to look forward to...
After we got home I took my journal and went to the bar two doors down and sat on the rooftop patio. Ordered a margherita and wrote. After an hour I went home feeling totally and utterly drained.Went to bed for an hour, after checking in with mum back home and seeing how Deanne and Skeeta ( Brians parents ) and Luke and Taylah ( Brians younger siblings ) were doing.
Deanne had tried to drink herself into oblivion the night before, understandably.
Everyone stopped her and put her to bed.
Skeeta, who was the one who had to identify Brians body at the scene of the accident, had gone to bed early.
Taylah hasnt been hit by it all yet. She was acting as she normally does.I hope she's afforded this for as long as possible. I have a feeling the funeral is when she's going to realize it's all not just a bad joke and he isnt coming back.
Luke....is being Luke. He's a quiet old soul who watches the world and remains quiet and observing. Speaking only when he has something important to say. He's carrying his brothers loss deep and I hope he doesnt hold it in for too long.
I havent had the stomach for food. I made myself eat a salad and two pieces of garlic bread earlier.Its 1 am and I have layed in bed for a while. Couldnt sleep, so I got up to sit in the dark loungeroom.
Thought I'd type something in here while I was at it.
I love his family and I love the way they're gathering around in this time.
Josh has been giving me non-stop cuddles. He's been there in ways more then he realizes.His love and support has been a cradle for me today.
It's so strange when someone you love, one of your family members, one of your tribe, dies.
You wake up the next day...and the next...and the day after that and the world is just going on, business per usual. You find moments in the days following ( now ending Day One ) where you forget and you laugh and smile, get lost in a movie, talk about other things going on in your life and then you remember...
One of yours, who was here just a few days ago, is now gone.
Josh and I went to the Toronto Street Festival, just a 5 minute walk down Yonge Street from our apartment. We had planned to go all week and Josh asked if I wanted to stay home but I had to get out of the apartment.
So we went and I took the usual photos and felt guilty that I was in my own world for most of the day. Feeling like I was leaving Josh on the outer as I, almost obsessively, clicked away with my camera and sought out photo ops. I found myself apologizing to him for most of the time we were there. I cant imagine it was an enjoyable day for him.
I felt like I was walking in a daze today, fragile and bleary eyed.
Viewing Toronto, and its beating heart, through a lens drew me like a moth to a flame.
At one point we sat on the curb and watched children riding the Merry-Go-Round, delight in their faces, giggles erupting with each breath and I smiled at the vision in front of me.
Then the tears came again because I remembered Brian at the same age, giggling with so much life in him and so much to look forward to...
After we got home I took my journal and went to the bar two doors down and sat on the rooftop patio. Ordered a margherita and wrote. After an hour I went home feeling totally and utterly drained.Went to bed for an hour, after checking in with mum back home and seeing how Deanne and Skeeta ( Brians parents ) and Luke and Taylah ( Brians younger siblings ) were doing.
Deanne had tried to drink herself into oblivion the night before, understandably.
Everyone stopped her and put her to bed.
Skeeta, who was the one who had to identify Brians body at the scene of the accident, had gone to bed early.
Taylah hasnt been hit by it all yet. She was acting as she normally does.I hope she's afforded this for as long as possible. I have a feeling the funeral is when she's going to realize it's all not just a bad joke and he isnt coming back.
Luke....is being Luke. He's a quiet old soul who watches the world and remains quiet and observing. Speaking only when he has something important to say. He's carrying his brothers loss deep and I hope he doesnt hold it in for too long.
I havent had the stomach for food. I made myself eat a salad and two pieces of garlic bread earlier.Its 1 am and I have layed in bed for a while. Couldnt sleep, so I got up to sit in the dark loungeroom.
Thought I'd type something in here while I was at it.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
A Young Life...
...was extinguished a few hours ago.
I posted this elsewhere so I'll just copy and paste..dont have a lot more of typin in me tonight...
My cousin, Brian, was driving to football ( he was an up and coming footballer for a team in a small country town called Streatham ) and was killed in an accident this morning ( 10:30 am Australian Eastern Standard time).
My mum doesnt have all the details but apparently a train was involved too. Which leads me to think that he was crossing train lines and a train collided with his car. Some country towns have a problem where some crossings dont have signals ...and its quite possible he had music playin and didnt hear the train or something...
But I dont know anything for sure yet.
He was only 18 and we were close. He was not only my mums nephew but also her godson. He's survived by his parents and his younger brother and sister.
My mind still hasnt processed it quite fully yet...I cant even comprehend the hell my aunt and uncle are going through right now. They had gone ahead of him and were waiting for him at the football ground. I'm pretty sure the game was cancelled in respect.
I just wish I could be there to give my family cuddles. I'm really feelin the distance between my loved ones right now. It's so hard hearing my mum and sisters sob heartbrokenly and not being able to gather them in an embrace.
So so hard when someone is killed so young. He'll never celebrate his 21st, get married.....Man he was just such a fantastic kid...always quick to be there for anyone who needed anything...
I'll never see him again :(
Edit : Its on the Aus news site already, seems my feeling that there wasnt a crossing signal was right...
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,15872354-29277,00.html
The article has his age bracket wrong but ...semantics huh.
Will post more later.
I posted this elsewhere so I'll just copy and paste..dont have a lot more of typin in me tonight...
My cousin, Brian, was driving to football ( he was an up and coming footballer for a team in a small country town called Streatham ) and was killed in an accident this morning ( 10:30 am Australian Eastern Standard time).
My mum doesnt have all the details but apparently a train was involved too. Which leads me to think that he was crossing train lines and a train collided with his car. Some country towns have a problem where some crossings dont have signals ...and its quite possible he had music playin and didnt hear the train or something...
But I dont know anything for sure yet.
He was only 18 and we were close. He was not only my mums nephew but also her godson. He's survived by his parents and his younger brother and sister.
My mind still hasnt processed it quite fully yet...I cant even comprehend the hell my aunt and uncle are going through right now. They had gone ahead of him and were waiting for him at the football ground. I'm pretty sure the game was cancelled in respect.
I just wish I could be there to give my family cuddles. I'm really feelin the distance between my loved ones right now. It's so hard hearing my mum and sisters sob heartbrokenly and not being able to gather them in an embrace.
So so hard when someone is killed so young. He'll never celebrate his 21st, get married.....Man he was just such a fantastic kid...always quick to be there for anyone who needed anything...
I'll never see him again :(
Edit : Its on the Aus news site already, seems my feeling that there wasnt a crossing signal was right...
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,15872354-29277,00.html
The article has his age bracket wrong but ...semantics huh.
Will post more later.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Bet I Can Make Ya ...
..... yawn....
Well not me exactly, Emilie.
Lets see how long ya last without yawning
Actually just thinkin about it sets me off.
Well not me exactly, Emilie.
Lets see how long ya last without yawning
Actually just thinkin about it sets me off.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Live 8
Its an absolutely brilliant day outside, weather-wise and I've been bopping around my apartment, whilst cleaning, with the Live 8 worldwide concerts blaring on my tv.
Man, talk about amazing music !! The line-up at the 10 concert locations worldwide is a concert promoters wet dream come true !
One of the concert locations is in Barrie, Ontario which is only an HOUR drive from my place here in midtown Toronto. I am so close to it I could touch it ! Which is why I'm bummed that I couldnt go. The tickets were all sold out in less then 20 minutes. It isnt as hot as its been lately, in fact its beautiful warm weather so it would've been a fantastic day to be there.
Oh well, I've got it on the tube and my apartment is all clean now so I aint complainin ;).
Jet, an Aussie band, is playing at the Barrie concert right as I type. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi !!
*Goes off to bop around the apartment to " Are You Gonna Be My Girl"...
Man, talk about amazing music !! The line-up at the 10 concert locations worldwide is a concert promoters wet dream come true !
One of the concert locations is in Barrie, Ontario which is only an HOUR drive from my place here in midtown Toronto. I am so close to it I could touch it ! Which is why I'm bummed that I couldnt go. The tickets were all sold out in less then 20 minutes. It isnt as hot as its been lately, in fact its beautiful warm weather so it would've been a fantastic day to be there.
Oh well, I've got it on the tube and my apartment is all clean now so I aint complainin ;).
Jet, an Aussie band, is playing at the Barrie concert right as I type. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi !!
*Goes off to bop around the apartment to " Are You Gonna Be My Girl"...
Canada Day Eh.
Happy Canuckian Day ppl !!!
Josh and I spent today at the movies, saw the much awaited War Of The Worlds ( It was great, we loved it ) and then we went for drinks with a friend ( Scott ).
The day started off hot, as usual this month, but turned cooler. Which sucked because I went out wearing summery gear. We went to a cool place for drinks and sat outside where I proceeded to shiver in the cool change !
I just saw on the news that June 2005 has been recorded as the hottest June in Ontario history.
I'm tempted to say that I bought the 'famed' Aus weather/heat with me but, being a Melbourne girl , that would entail four seasons in one day and also, quite frankly, Melbourne 'summers' have been shite over the past 5 - 6 years.
When ppl talk to me about the heat we've been having here they allude to the fact that, me being Aussie, I must be thriving in it because thats what I'm accustomed to.
I laugh when I hear that and tell them to spend some time in good ol Melbourne. The ppl I have these convo's with think Aus is one big hot continent all over. I suppose we should stop the false advertisement of ' a sunburnt country'.
I explain to them that, unlike here and the U.S , the South in Australia is not the hottest part of the country. Like with how our toilets flush in the opposite direction, as does our heat.
We're not only Down-Under, we're upside down and backwards *wink*
To read how our Canada Day night went see below post lol...
Josh and I spent today at the movies, saw the much awaited War Of The Worlds ( It was great, we loved it ) and then we went for drinks with a friend ( Scott ).
The day started off hot, as usual this month, but turned cooler. Which sucked because I went out wearing summery gear. We went to a cool place for drinks and sat outside where I proceeded to shiver in the cool change !
I just saw on the news that June 2005 has been recorded as the hottest June in Ontario history.
I'm tempted to say that I bought the 'famed' Aus weather/heat with me but, being a Melbourne girl , that would entail four seasons in one day and also, quite frankly, Melbourne 'summers' have been shite over the past 5 - 6 years.
When ppl talk to me about the heat we've been having here they allude to the fact that, me being Aussie, I must be thriving in it because thats what I'm accustomed to.
I laugh when I hear that and tell them to spend some time in good ol Melbourne. The ppl I have these convo's with think Aus is one big hot continent all over. I suppose we should stop the false advertisement of ' a sunburnt country'.
I explain to them that, unlike here and the U.S , the South in Australia is not the hottest part of the country. Like with how our toilets flush in the opposite direction, as does our heat.
We're not only Down-Under, we're upside down and backwards *wink*
To read how our Canada Day night went see below post lol...
Creepy
So last night Josh and I get home after spending the afternoon bbq'ing at his friends place...
I was takin out the garbage with plans to run next door to Rogers Video to grab a dvd. I toss the garbage in the dumpster around the side of our apartment and emerge onto the street. There's a guy standing there somewhat awkwardly in front of the apartment building, looking around. He looked to be in his late 40's, early 50's and was clad in attire befitting a 'respectable' middle aged guy, whiteish sorta hair etc. When he sees me I get the impression he's like a kid that has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He asks if there is an apartment to rent in our block ( the first clue might have been the ' apartment for rent' sandwich board that is immediantly outside, on our front lawn ... I dunno ... life can be so confusing sometimes ? )
I point to the sign and say " thats what it says ..."
He asks " Do you live here, around here ...?
" I'm visiting" comes out of my mouth, I'm getting a wierd vibe from this dude.Its an intuition that has served me well since I was a little girl, getting me out of many a potentially dangerous situation.
He proceeds to ask what the neighbourhood is like " Because my son is lookin for a place and ..."
" Oh well, I dunno. Its a cool neighbourhood, sure. I wouldnt really know, I'm new to the country."
" Oh well I'll write the number down " he says and proceeds to write in his notebook and walks off.
I come inside and tell Josh about it and then I went next door to get the movie and thats that.
Some hours later I'm sitting in the living room, lights on and window open to let the fresh air in and I hear a strange snapping sound.
Josh had been in bed at that point for about 20 minutes. I see him come out of the bedroom and go to the (also open ) kitchen window and close it, peering outside. It turns out that he was laying in bed and, all of a sudden, he heard footsteps and the soft light streaming into the bedroom window from outside darkened as if someone is standing at the window blocking it. He got up, grabbed his asp and started snapping it in front of the window to warn off whoever it was.
We didnt see/hear anyone after that.
It creeped me out when he came out and told me this because I thought maybe someone was watching me in the living room and walked around the back to break in, thinking that I was at home alone...only to be met with someone else ( Josh ) at the bedroom window snapping his weapon before he started trying to get into the window.
I mused on the possibility that the dude I encountered earlier that night might have come back...
Tonight I went to lay down with him when he went to bed to cuddle him g'night. We were laying there in the dark for about 5 - 10 minutes when suddenly we heard about 4 or 5 taps/knocks in the room. We paused for a second, I said " What the fuck...!" and I hopped off the bed, looking toward the window, to where the noise seemed to come from. We went to the window and ... no one.
Josh tried knocking on the window glass and it definately sounded exactly like the noise.
Problem with our apartment is that it is a 'sub-basement' one. The bottom of our windows ( which are standard placement in the walls ) are level with the street outside. Makes it easy for ppl to see right in. Also , all someone has to do to get to the back of our apartment, to the bedroom and kitchen windows, is walk around to it from the street. Theres no gates or whatever blocking anyone who wants to walk around to the back, the sideway leading to the back is immediantly beside our apartment.
I'm gonna be a little uneasy if Josh ever gets put onto a nightshift schedule at all.I'll just make sure the back windows are locked, phone is beside me at all times and tv/cd volume is low.
It was just creepy, I'd hate to think of how I'd have felt lying in bed in the dark, alone at home, and hearing those knocks on the window.
I'm getting lessons off Josh on how to use that bloody asp. And how to get out of holds/grapples if some eijitt was trying to hold me down....
I was takin out the garbage with plans to run next door to Rogers Video to grab a dvd. I toss the garbage in the dumpster around the side of our apartment and emerge onto the street. There's a guy standing there somewhat awkwardly in front of the apartment building, looking around. He looked to be in his late 40's, early 50's and was clad in attire befitting a 'respectable' middle aged guy, whiteish sorta hair etc. When he sees me I get the impression he's like a kid that has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He asks if there is an apartment to rent in our block ( the first clue might have been the ' apartment for rent' sandwich board that is immediantly outside, on our front lawn ... I dunno ... life can be so confusing sometimes ? )
I point to the sign and say " thats what it says ..."
He asks " Do you live here, around here ...?
" I'm visiting" comes out of my mouth, I'm getting a wierd vibe from this dude.Its an intuition that has served me well since I was a little girl, getting me out of many a potentially dangerous situation.
He proceeds to ask what the neighbourhood is like " Because my son is lookin for a place and ..."
" Oh well, I dunno. Its a cool neighbourhood, sure. I wouldnt really know, I'm new to the country."
" Oh well I'll write the number down " he says and proceeds to write in his notebook and walks off.
I come inside and tell Josh about it and then I went next door to get the movie and thats that.
Some hours later I'm sitting in the living room, lights on and window open to let the fresh air in and I hear a strange snapping sound.
Josh had been in bed at that point for about 20 minutes. I see him come out of the bedroom and go to the (also open ) kitchen window and close it, peering outside. It turns out that he was laying in bed and, all of a sudden, he heard footsteps and the soft light streaming into the bedroom window from outside darkened as if someone is standing at the window blocking it. He got up, grabbed his asp and started snapping it in front of the window to warn off whoever it was.
We didnt see/hear anyone after that.
It creeped me out when he came out and told me this because I thought maybe someone was watching me in the living room and walked around the back to break in, thinking that I was at home alone...only to be met with someone else ( Josh ) at the bedroom window snapping his weapon before he started trying to get into the window.
I mused on the possibility that the dude I encountered earlier that night might have come back...
Tonight I went to lay down with him when he went to bed to cuddle him g'night. We were laying there in the dark for about 5 - 10 minutes when suddenly we heard about 4 or 5 taps/knocks in the room. We paused for a second, I said " What the fuck...!" and I hopped off the bed, looking toward the window, to where the noise seemed to come from. We went to the window and ... no one.
Josh tried knocking on the window glass and it definately sounded exactly like the noise.
Problem with our apartment is that it is a 'sub-basement' one. The bottom of our windows ( which are standard placement in the walls ) are level with the street outside. Makes it easy for ppl to see right in. Also , all someone has to do to get to the back of our apartment, to the bedroom and kitchen windows, is walk around to it from the street. Theres no gates or whatever blocking anyone who wants to walk around to the back, the sideway leading to the back is immediantly beside our apartment.
I'm gonna be a little uneasy if Josh ever gets put onto a nightshift schedule at all.I'll just make sure the back windows are locked, phone is beside me at all times and tv/cd volume is low.
It was just creepy, I'd hate to think of how I'd have felt lying in bed in the dark, alone at home, and hearing those knocks on the window.
I'm getting lessons off Josh on how to use that bloody asp. And how to get out of holds/grapples if some eijitt was trying to hold me down....
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