Day After Brian Left

Josh's mum, Rhonda, came over this morning to give me a hug and comfort me.

I love his family and I love the way they're gathering around in this time.

Josh has been giving me non-stop cuddles. He's been there in ways more then he realizes.His love and support has been a cradle for me today.

It's so strange when someone you love, one of your family members, one of your tribe, dies.
You wake up the next day...and the next...and the day after that and the world is just going on, business per usual. You find moments in the days following ( now ending Day One ) where you forget and you laugh and smile, get lost in a movie, talk about other things going on in your life and then you remember...

One of yours, who was here just a few days ago, is now gone.

Josh and I went to the Toronto Street Festival, just a 5 minute walk down Yonge Street from our apartment. We had planned to go all week and Josh asked if I wanted to stay home but I had to get out of the apartment.
So we went and I took the usual photos and felt guilty that I was in my own world for most of the day. Feeling like I was leaving Josh on the outer as I, almost obsessively, clicked away with my camera and sought out photo ops. I found myself apologizing to him for most of the time we were there. I cant imagine it was an enjoyable day for him.
I felt like I was walking in a daze today, fragile and bleary eyed.
Viewing Toronto, and its beating heart, through a lens drew me like a moth to a flame.

At one point we sat on the curb and watched children riding the Merry-Go-Round, delight in their faces, giggles erupting with each breath and I smiled at the vision in front of me.
Then the tears came again because I remembered Brian at the same age, giggling with so much life in him and so much to look forward to...

After we got home I took my journal and went to the bar two doors down and sat on the rooftop patio. Ordered a margherita and wrote. After an hour I went home feeling totally and utterly drained.Went to bed for an hour, after checking in with mum back home and seeing how Deanne and Skeeta ( Brians parents ) and Luke and Taylah ( Brians younger siblings ) were doing.

Deanne had tried to drink herself into oblivion the night before, understandably.
Everyone stopped her and put her to bed.
Skeeta, who was the one who had to identify Brians body at the scene of the accident, had gone to bed early.
Taylah hasnt been hit by it all yet. She was acting as she normally does.I hope she's afforded this for as long as possible. I have a feeling the funeral is when she's going to realize it's all not just a bad joke and he isnt coming back.
Luke....is being Luke. He's a quiet old soul who watches the world and remains quiet and observing. Speaking only when he has something important to say. He's carrying his brothers loss deep and I hope he doesnt hold it in for too long.

I havent had the stomach for food. I made myself eat a salad and two pieces of garlic bread earlier.Its 1 am and I have layed in bed for a while. Couldnt sleep, so I got up to sit in the dark loungeroom.

Thought I'd type something in here while I was at it.