...and I've had so many thoughts lately where I have said to myself:
"I must blog that..."
Same as when Maya does something, babbles something, or just grows up too fast everyday and I remind myself to write about it in her baby book...
But then I get distracted and don't...and feel guilty afterwards.
Just under 7 weeks until I'm a Missus. So strange to think that I'll be one of those...'married people'.
As long as I don't have to act like an adult ;).
Seriously, the wedding is coming up so fast and I've had a couple of moments where I have felt nervous. I've imagined it in my mind and thought of so many things to create or do to make it a cool, unique, beautiful wedding and then I realize how close the day is to being here and a little butterfly in the belly goes a-flutter!
Maya. She is growing up so fast. Even now I want to bottle her and keep her my baby forever.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Teary Read
This made me cry....
Pretty much cried all the way through it actually
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Pretty much cried all the way through it actually
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
You're More Then That
Don't ever think you're not good enough
Like I once did
You're more then that
I don't want you to hide your beautiful smile behind your hand
To hide 'imperfect teeth' or a 'crooked jawline'
Like I once did
You're more then that
I don't want you to ever pinch your thighs or stomach and feel 'fat'
as you look at the models in your latest teen magazine
and vow to not eat for the next week
Like I once did
You're more then that
Don't squash down your dreams until they're dust
because someone told you "you aren't likely to achieve that..."
Like someone once told me
You're more then that
I look at you now and I see you as you truly are in your rawest, most pure form
Your smile makes my heart burst
Your cheeky way of sticking out your tongue makes me laugh every single time
Your quiet , studious gaze belies an intelligence beyond your tiny age
Your strong insistence on getting your message across and having your needs fulfilled makes me hope you keep it throughout your life while chasing dreams
Imagine the most beautiful, unique, passionate, loving, intelligent person that ever lived
And realize you're good enough
Like I finally did
And know that you're even more then that
I love you Maya - Love Mummy xxxooo
Like I once did
You're more then that
I don't want you to hide your beautiful smile behind your hand
To hide 'imperfect teeth' or a 'crooked jawline'
Like I once did
You're more then that
I don't want you to ever pinch your thighs or stomach and feel 'fat'
as you look at the models in your latest teen magazine
and vow to not eat for the next week
Like I once did
You're more then that
Don't squash down your dreams until they're dust
because someone told you "you aren't likely to achieve that..."
Like someone once told me
You're more then that
I look at you now and I see you as you truly are in your rawest, most pure form
Your smile makes my heart burst
Your cheeky way of sticking out your tongue makes me laugh every single time
Your quiet , studious gaze belies an intelligence beyond your tiny age
Your strong insistence on getting your message across and having your needs fulfilled makes me hope you keep it throughout your life while chasing dreams
Imagine the most beautiful, unique, passionate, loving, intelligent person that ever lived
And realize you're good enough
Like I finally did
And know that you're even more then that
I love you Maya - Love Mummy xxxooo
Sunday, January 13, 2008
In their hands
Interesting article, one which reflects what I believe about parenting...
In their hands
by Peggy O'Mara, Publisher/Editor, Mothering Magazine
"When our children are young, we hold their lives in our hands. This is a serious charge. It changes us. As our children grow older, however, we begin to put ourselves in their hands. And when we do, we are glad that the history we share is so deep.
I took a road trip recently with three of my kids to visit my son, who is a whitewater river rafting guide for the summer. I knew as soon as my son told me he was going to be a guide that I would have to go on the river and face my fear of the rapids.
It was not the first time that parenthood has pushed me to go beyond a limited sense of myself I've previously put myself in my children’s hands for other adventures. I believe my son if he tell me, "It's all good, Mom." I know that I am truly accommodated, that my weakness is tolerated, and that my fears are responded to with good humor.
My son, on the other hand, is friends with fear. He likes to snowboard fast down frozen water in the winter and raft down fast-moving water in the summer. As a one year old, he would lie with his ear to the floor and listen to the water as it rushed down the drain beneath the toilet. As he listened, he said his first word, Chine! Chine!, short for machine. His first love was a lawn mower. He walked at about the same age and never minded failing. This was also the baby who spent the first six months of his life either in arms or in the red Snugli baby carrier. He was very dependent before he became very independent.
This was a baby who liked contact, who demanded contact, who wanted always to be in touch, who in every way is a very physical person. We are often impatient with babies because they are so physical. The popular media suggests we have to train our babies to control themselves, to be independent, to sleep, and to obey, as if these were not things that had intrinsic value and would be learned naturally, as a matter of course, in human society.
How dangerous for our society that we distrust the very behavior that is the most necessary for human survival. It is those babies who demand to be attached who are the most evolved. And it is the most securely attached babies who will have the best chance to be the most resilient adults. Resiliency comes from having internalized the functions of an empathic mother and father.
There is an inherent order in the nature of things, despite tests of those who suggest that babies must be taught basic human instincts and made compliant for the convenience of adults. Nature never contradicts itself, and we can look to nature when we are confused about how to respond to our children or about making difficult decisions.
Parents are faced with a myriad of decisions, and we are often torn between the advice of the experts and our own inner voice. We sometimes think that there must be an answer outside of ourselves, that we can counter the anxiety of being totally responsible for another human being by comforting ourselves with some "dependable" solution. And while there are tried-and-true solutions that parents have shared with each other from time immemorial, it is really much simpler than that.
Today, or in any age, there is really only one decision that underlies all other decisions concerning our children. This decision is whether we will choose love or fear; whether we will accept or resist the situations that happen with our children; whether we will choose to cooperate or to be adversarial with our children; and whether we will, see them as our equals or wield authority over them. These are the qualities that form the underbelly of our parenting decisions and the underpinnings of all actions that we take.
Sometimes we react with fear and authority inappropriately when we are worried about our own self-image. At other times, we choose fear and authority because of legitimate concerns over immoral, illegal, or unsafe behavior. How we make our parenting decisions underscores what we believe about human beings, about human nature, about the nature of the child. Is' there inherent order and purpose in our child's development, or must we as parents bring this order and purpose to our child's life?
It's funny, in a way, that we have so much trouble trusting our loved ones. Every day we walk into rooms and buildings built by strangers we'll never see and don't give a second thought to their inherent integrity. We drive on highways with strangers, highways built by other strangers, and daily we entrust our lives to them all. Children are an easy excuse to indulge fear.
Our bodies have autonomic nervous systems whose functions are automatic. They are not voluntary. This means that for the really important things, nature has hardwired a system that cannot be disrupted except under extraordinary circumstances. We cannot stop our breathing no matter how hard we try without extraordinary devices. If we hold our breath, we will simply pass out. We cannot will our heart to stop, nor can we touch or hurt our heart without extraordinary means. Nature never leaves the really important things to chance. What is the source of our breathing and our heart rate? It's a mystery that we trust every moment.
The English word trust comes from the Scandinavian for "faithful, full of faith." To trust ourselves is to be true to ourselves. Faith is, in itself, a leap. Our faith is not based on evidence but exists regardless of the evidence. Faith is not a conclusion, but an affirmation. We can have faith in ourselves as parents, in our unique challenges and decisions, because we have faith in our children as accurate barometers of the biological imperative.
Our children are born hardwired for survival. Their needs and wants are the same. They know what they need, and they demand it. In hunter-gatherer societies, being in the arms of the mother meant that the infant was safe from the tiger. In modern times, being held in another's arms still means survival. The single most important factor responsible for an infant's normal mental and social development is physical holding and carrying. Infants need to be in arms. They know it, and they let us know it.
Current fashions and customs conspire against these natural and necessary needs of human infants. Devices such as the plastic infant carrying tray, pacifiers, cribs, and bottles are ways to distance ourselves from our babies, to gain a respite from the intimacy they require for full human development. Trends in perceiving the life of the home as servitude and drudgery, as well as lack of economic support for the family, also conspire to separate us from our loved ones, as these trends quite literally put physical distance between us.
Human infants don't like physical distance. They like constant physical contact. They expect it. They need it. And they're totally content when they have it. But how do we learn to surrender to this fierce need when others warn us that we must teach our infants to sleep, to be independent-and certainly not spoil them?
It’s ridiculous to think that nature would leave a function as important as sleep to foolish parents, some of whom would look at each other on their child's eighth birthday and exclaim, "Oh, honey, we forgot to teach Little Cindy to sleep!" Sleep is a need, not a habit. It an instinct. It takes care of itself because in nature, all essential functions take care of themselves.
Holding and carrying infants also take care of themselves because nature gives babies such endearing qualities that they are irresistible.,, Responding to their inherent needs develops qualities necessary for our survival as adults, qualities like consciousness, patience, generosity, kindness, and bravery. In Darwin's original writings, "survival of the fittest" refers to those individuals and societies who are the most sympathetic. A sympathetic culture has the attributes necessary for survival. Nature itself is sympathetic.
Infants don't only like to be held during the day, they like to be close at night, too. That's human nature. Yet, we treat our infants worse than we treat any other humans, or even animals. Under no circumstances would we leave a crying adult, friend or stranger, alone in a room without extending our condolences and offers of help. We pride ourselves on this kind of civility. We sleep with our pets. New puppies or kitties get to come into the bedroom if they cry.
Just as it is perfectly natural for animals to sleep together in groups, it is perfectly natural for human infants to want to sleep with their parents. All animal babies sleep with their mothers. Over time, human infants teach their parents to enjoy touch again.
Our infants are hardwired to bring their discomfort to their parent. Crying is their language. The parent is their interpreter. The infant's sense of discomfort is nonspecific and undefined. As they mature, they learn to differentiate sensations and associate them with certain experiences, so that in time they can specify and name their discomfort. This takes months, even years. Nowhere in the animal kingdom do we see intolerance of the dependency of infancy. In all of nature, dependency is protected and indulged.
It is obvious that dependency is feared by many adults. Many are hungry for intimacy but afraid to surrender. Yet, life with infants is a surrender. When we just give up and give them what they need, it becomes so easy. It reminds me of the true meaning of the Sabbath-a day of leaving things just as they are, not trying to change them, and not doing anything. With infants, we are but humble servants to what is.
This kind of surrender has three enemies. They are fear, denial, and control. Whenever we have trouble trusting our infants, we are usually in the grip of one of these visitors. They always accompany actions of deep consequence. They are the guardians who hone our self-esteem. For it is the difficulties of being a parent that forge us into fuller human beings, with the track records and courage to face new difficulties.
These difficulties are better faced when we tell ourselves the truth and see things unclouded by fear, denial, or control.
What we fear, approach it. What we deny, say it. What we control, release it. With fear, denial, and control aside, we can see things in our own unique and authentic way.
It is our very innocence as parents, our freshness and inexperience, that redeem us. With each new family, nature has another chance. Another chance for happy accidents that change the course of history. Another chance for amateurs to do something no one else has ever done before. Another chance for genius.
Don't listen to the experts. Forget about them unless they come over and help you put your baby to sleep. Forget about them unless they'll remember your baby's name in 20 years. Don't give up your authority as a parent to people who don't know your baby as well as you do or who don't know your baby at all.
Don’t stand unmoving outside the door of a crying baby whose only desire is to touch you. Go to your baby. Go to your baby a million times. Demonstrate to your baby that people can be trusted, that the environment can be trusted, that we live in a benign universe. The crisis of the first year of life is trust or mistrust. Which will your baby learn?
Someday you'll need your grown-up baby to go to you. Someday you'll be in the hands of your baby. Will your baby protect you in the rapids, or will he be intolerant of your fears and weaknesses, of your dependencies?
The way you give to your baby now is the beginning of all that."
In their hands
by Peggy O'Mara, Publisher/Editor, Mothering Magazine
"When our children are young, we hold their lives in our hands. This is a serious charge. It changes us. As our children grow older, however, we begin to put ourselves in their hands. And when we do, we are glad that the history we share is so deep.
I took a road trip recently with three of my kids to visit my son, who is a whitewater river rafting guide for the summer. I knew as soon as my son told me he was going to be a guide that I would have to go on the river and face my fear of the rapids.
It was not the first time that parenthood has pushed me to go beyond a limited sense of myself I've previously put myself in my children’s hands for other adventures. I believe my son if he tell me, "It's all good, Mom." I know that I am truly accommodated, that my weakness is tolerated, and that my fears are responded to with good humor.
My son, on the other hand, is friends with fear. He likes to snowboard fast down frozen water in the winter and raft down fast-moving water in the summer. As a one year old, he would lie with his ear to the floor and listen to the water as it rushed down the drain beneath the toilet. As he listened, he said his first word, Chine! Chine!, short for machine. His first love was a lawn mower. He walked at about the same age and never minded failing. This was also the baby who spent the first six months of his life either in arms or in the red Snugli baby carrier. He was very dependent before he became very independent.
This was a baby who liked contact, who demanded contact, who wanted always to be in touch, who in every way is a very physical person. We are often impatient with babies because they are so physical. The popular media suggests we have to train our babies to control themselves, to be independent, to sleep, and to obey, as if these were not things that had intrinsic value and would be learned naturally, as a matter of course, in human society.
How dangerous for our society that we distrust the very behavior that is the most necessary for human survival. It is those babies who demand to be attached who are the most evolved. And it is the most securely attached babies who will have the best chance to be the most resilient adults. Resiliency comes from having internalized the functions of an empathic mother and father.
There is an inherent order in the nature of things, despite tests of those who suggest that babies must be taught basic human instincts and made compliant for the convenience of adults. Nature never contradicts itself, and we can look to nature when we are confused about how to respond to our children or about making difficult decisions.
Parents are faced with a myriad of decisions, and we are often torn between the advice of the experts and our own inner voice. We sometimes think that there must be an answer outside of ourselves, that we can counter the anxiety of being totally responsible for another human being by comforting ourselves with some "dependable" solution. And while there are tried-and-true solutions that parents have shared with each other from time immemorial, it is really much simpler than that.
Today, or in any age, there is really only one decision that underlies all other decisions concerning our children. This decision is whether we will choose love or fear; whether we will accept or resist the situations that happen with our children; whether we will choose to cooperate or to be adversarial with our children; and whether we will, see them as our equals or wield authority over them. These are the qualities that form the underbelly of our parenting decisions and the underpinnings of all actions that we take.
Sometimes we react with fear and authority inappropriately when we are worried about our own self-image. At other times, we choose fear and authority because of legitimate concerns over immoral, illegal, or unsafe behavior. How we make our parenting decisions underscores what we believe about human beings, about human nature, about the nature of the child. Is' there inherent order and purpose in our child's development, or must we as parents bring this order and purpose to our child's life?
It's funny, in a way, that we have so much trouble trusting our loved ones. Every day we walk into rooms and buildings built by strangers we'll never see and don't give a second thought to their inherent integrity. We drive on highways with strangers, highways built by other strangers, and daily we entrust our lives to them all. Children are an easy excuse to indulge fear.
Our bodies have autonomic nervous systems whose functions are automatic. They are not voluntary. This means that for the really important things, nature has hardwired a system that cannot be disrupted except under extraordinary circumstances. We cannot stop our breathing no matter how hard we try without extraordinary devices. If we hold our breath, we will simply pass out. We cannot will our heart to stop, nor can we touch or hurt our heart without extraordinary means. Nature never leaves the really important things to chance. What is the source of our breathing and our heart rate? It's a mystery that we trust every moment.
The English word trust comes from the Scandinavian for "faithful, full of faith." To trust ourselves is to be true to ourselves. Faith is, in itself, a leap. Our faith is not based on evidence but exists regardless of the evidence. Faith is not a conclusion, but an affirmation. We can have faith in ourselves as parents, in our unique challenges and decisions, because we have faith in our children as accurate barometers of the biological imperative.
Our children are born hardwired for survival. Their needs and wants are the same. They know what they need, and they demand it. In hunter-gatherer societies, being in the arms of the mother meant that the infant was safe from the tiger. In modern times, being held in another's arms still means survival. The single most important factor responsible for an infant's normal mental and social development is physical holding and carrying. Infants need to be in arms. They know it, and they let us know it.
Current fashions and customs conspire against these natural and necessary needs of human infants. Devices such as the plastic infant carrying tray, pacifiers, cribs, and bottles are ways to distance ourselves from our babies, to gain a respite from the intimacy they require for full human development. Trends in perceiving the life of the home as servitude and drudgery, as well as lack of economic support for the family, also conspire to separate us from our loved ones, as these trends quite literally put physical distance between us.
Human infants don't like physical distance. They like constant physical contact. They expect it. They need it. And they're totally content when they have it. But how do we learn to surrender to this fierce need when others warn us that we must teach our infants to sleep, to be independent-and certainly not spoil them?
It’s ridiculous to think that nature would leave a function as important as sleep to foolish parents, some of whom would look at each other on their child's eighth birthday and exclaim, "Oh, honey, we forgot to teach Little Cindy to sleep!" Sleep is a need, not a habit. It an instinct. It takes care of itself because in nature, all essential functions take care of themselves.
Holding and carrying infants also take care of themselves because nature gives babies such endearing qualities that they are irresistible.,, Responding to their inherent needs develops qualities necessary for our survival as adults, qualities like consciousness, patience, generosity, kindness, and bravery. In Darwin's original writings, "survival of the fittest" refers to those individuals and societies who are the most sympathetic. A sympathetic culture has the attributes necessary for survival. Nature itself is sympathetic.
Infants don't only like to be held during the day, they like to be close at night, too. That's human nature. Yet, we treat our infants worse than we treat any other humans, or even animals. Under no circumstances would we leave a crying adult, friend or stranger, alone in a room without extending our condolences and offers of help. We pride ourselves on this kind of civility. We sleep with our pets. New puppies or kitties get to come into the bedroom if they cry.
Just as it is perfectly natural for animals to sleep together in groups, it is perfectly natural for human infants to want to sleep with their parents. All animal babies sleep with their mothers. Over time, human infants teach their parents to enjoy touch again.
Our infants are hardwired to bring their discomfort to their parent. Crying is their language. The parent is their interpreter. The infant's sense of discomfort is nonspecific and undefined. As they mature, they learn to differentiate sensations and associate them with certain experiences, so that in time they can specify and name their discomfort. This takes months, even years. Nowhere in the animal kingdom do we see intolerance of the dependency of infancy. In all of nature, dependency is protected and indulged.
It is obvious that dependency is feared by many adults. Many are hungry for intimacy but afraid to surrender. Yet, life with infants is a surrender. When we just give up and give them what they need, it becomes so easy. It reminds me of the true meaning of the Sabbath-a day of leaving things just as they are, not trying to change them, and not doing anything. With infants, we are but humble servants to what is.
This kind of surrender has three enemies. They are fear, denial, and control. Whenever we have trouble trusting our infants, we are usually in the grip of one of these visitors. They always accompany actions of deep consequence. They are the guardians who hone our self-esteem. For it is the difficulties of being a parent that forge us into fuller human beings, with the track records and courage to face new difficulties.
These difficulties are better faced when we tell ourselves the truth and see things unclouded by fear, denial, or control.
What we fear, approach it. What we deny, say it. What we control, release it. With fear, denial, and control aside, we can see things in our own unique and authentic way.
It is our very innocence as parents, our freshness and inexperience, that redeem us. With each new family, nature has another chance. Another chance for happy accidents that change the course of history. Another chance for amateurs to do something no one else has ever done before. Another chance for genius.
Don't listen to the experts. Forget about them unless they come over and help you put your baby to sleep. Forget about them unless they'll remember your baby's name in 20 years. Don't give up your authority as a parent to people who don't know your baby as well as you do or who don't know your baby at all.
Don’t stand unmoving outside the door of a crying baby whose only desire is to touch you. Go to your baby. Go to your baby a million times. Demonstrate to your baby that people can be trusted, that the environment can be trusted, that we live in a benign universe. The crisis of the first year of life is trust or mistrust. Which will your baby learn?
Someday you'll need your grown-up baby to go to you. Someday you'll be in the hands of your baby. Will your baby protect you in the rapids, or will he be intolerant of your fears and weaknesses, of your dependencies?
The way you give to your baby now is the beginning of all that."
Monday, December 24, 2007
Fun Lies In The Mundane
Who ever would have guessed that laundry could be so intoxicatingly fun?
At least to Miss Maya it is. I lie her on the bed as I fold laundry and she screams in delight, widens her eyes, clenches her fists and her whole body tenses up in excitement while she builds up to the next squeal as she watches sheets, wraps, underwear, daddy's shirts et al flow over the top of her as I whip them in the air to straighten them out.
I knew it would keep her from grumbling in boredom, I didn't realise she'd get SUCH a kick outta it.
After I pick up an item, I explain to her what it is and let her feels it in her little exploring hands. Sometimes she clasps it and brings it to her face and against her cheek as if she is revelling in the softness.
I don't think I need to BUY my kid toys. There's plenty around the house to keep her entertained.
At least to Miss Maya it is. I lie her on the bed as I fold laundry and she screams in delight, widens her eyes, clenches her fists and her whole body tenses up in excitement while she builds up to the next squeal as she watches sheets, wraps, underwear, daddy's shirts et al flow over the top of her as I whip them in the air to straighten them out.
I knew it would keep her from grumbling in boredom, I didn't realise she'd get SUCH a kick outta it.
After I pick up an item, I explain to her what it is and let her feels it in her little exploring hands. Sometimes she clasps it and brings it to her face and against her cheek as if she is revelling in the softness.
I don't think I need to BUY my kid toys. There's plenty around the house to keep her entertained.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Naming the World For Her
"The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than black people were made for white, or women created for men."
Alice Walker
Today I stood at the bedroom window with Maya in my arms, just after she awoke from slumber, and we looked out together at the clear blue day world outside. A soft breeze softly sailed through the open window as I named the different things that made up the scene before us; trees, blue sky, a bird twittering, the smell of the ocean immediately to the left of us....introducing them to her.
I sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" to her softly and whispered in her listening baby-ear that one of the secrets I want her to know about in this life is that there is beauty in all things.
That sometimes you have to look a little harder for it then usual...but look harder because it will always be there.
It is such a blessing and a privilege to be Maya's mother.
P.S What does the quote at the beginning have to do with this post? Nothing really, I just love the quote and am a fan of Alice Walker.
Alice Walker
Today I stood at the bedroom window with Maya in my arms, just after she awoke from slumber, and we looked out together at the clear blue day world outside. A soft breeze softly sailed through the open window as I named the different things that made up the scene before us; trees, blue sky, a bird twittering, the smell of the ocean immediately to the left of us....introducing them to her.
I sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" to her softly and whispered in her listening baby-ear that one of the secrets I want her to know about in this life is that there is beauty in all things.
That sometimes you have to look a little harder for it then usual...but look harder because it will always be there.
It is such a blessing and a privilege to be Maya's mother.
P.S What does the quote at the beginning have to do with this post? Nothing really, I just love the quote and am a fan of Alice Walker.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
This Is Not A Maya Post
I won't write about Maya in this post.
I won't tell you that she sometimes pulls her lips in and back in a Cabbage Patch Doll kinda way when she tries to talk.
Definitely won't mention that she started farting and pooing up a storm when we sat in front of a breastfeeding education class, where I was breastfeeding Maya to demonstrate how it's done, to a group of expectant couples. That she got that look in her eye, where she loses focus on the breast and gazes absentmindedly. Then proceeded to push her little body straight and grunt. So, I saw it coming before everyone else did.
So, I wont go into how she has impeccable timing once again.
I also won't talk about how we spent the afternoon today, just the two of us. Lying on the bed on our sides, curled facing each other and having a conversation for at least an hour. Then I fed her there, both of us still lying on our sides until we drifted off to afternoon nap-land. That we woke up around the same time quite content with all in the world, two peas in the pod.
So, that's all I have to write about not talking about Maya.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
And she giggles
Yesterday marked another milestone...two in one week , wow!
Josh and I were laying beside her on the bed, jiggling a new toy over her face when she, out of the blue, let out the cutest most magical little set of giggles I have ever heard!
I could hardly contain myself when she proceeded to giggle even more, I imploded with giggles myself!
Like a friend of mine once said; A baby's laugh could stop a war.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
She Speaks!
My little darling uttered her first word yesterday (around 4pm 14th November 2007...gotta record the time/date for prosperity sakes.)
She has been trying her hardest to talk for the past 3 weeks or so, where she'll lock eyes with mine (or whoever is looking into her eyes) and she'll be so focused on trying to make sounds into words. Then, when I speak, she'll stop and focus on my mouth and then try to mimic my mouth movements and she'll move her tongue out of her mouth because she sees that the tongue is involved with talking somehow...and she'll resume with trying to form 'words'.
So, there's been one recurring word throughout, which sounded like "Ahhgooo".
Yesterday, "Ahhgoo" turned into "A girlllll"
Her first words being "A girllll" makes sense, considering they were the very first words she would have heard when she was pulled out into the world: "It's a girl"!
I know every mother thinks this but I have the cleverest child! ;)
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Jab Day
So, today was the day that I'd been dreading: Immunisation Day.
I roped in the services of my sister, an experienced Immunisation-Day-Times-2 mama to be my support and/or to hold Maya if I decided I couldn't bear to hold her myself. We walked down to the Maternal Health facility, took a number amongst all the prams, crying babies and crying-harder mummies and I sat down to let Maya get some comforting milk in her system before she took the jabs. I had spent the morning playing with her and telling her that I needed to take her to get some needles because they would help her to not get sick etc etc.
I think it helped me more then it helped her. She was so happy and smiley this morning too, I felt like shit that I was about to turn her day into a crappy one. It was worse when, right before the nurse jabbed her in the thigh, she was sitting contently in my arms and talking away to me and smiling.
As the nurse took the first of the needles to her thigh, I watched her face turn from content to a look of surprise and pain then she screamed her lungs out and cried in a "WHYYYY did you DO that to me mamaaaaaa!" sort of cry.
It was awful because when she started to calm down and hug into me, searching for comfort, the nurse would do it again. She had a total of 3 needles.
God, I started to cry...it just felt so cruel. (I know, I know....it's for her own good yada yada).
Even my support mama started to cry!
She was ok and smiling not long afterwards, after I gave her a comfort feed on the boob but an hour later she started to feel it and started crying, shivering and all that lovely stuff associated with ones body trying to fight the half a dozen or so recently injected viral bugs. I gave her some baby panadol and spent the afternoon and evening cuddling my darling girl and kissing her over and over as she slept, whispering in her ear to "Sleep it off my sweetheart".
Some days I wish I could have kept her safe, warm and sound in my womb.
On a happier note, I ran into a childhood friend and her mum (they were neighbours when I was growing up and have known them for 18 years) at the center. Georgie has an 8 week old little girl and was there to get her immunized also. Turns out she lives around the corner from me!
Yay to catching up with an old friend and having her as company whilst taking this mummyhood journey together for the first time!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Maya Grin
I'm in the living room, Josh is in the bedroom getting Maya back to sleep.
Cue deep, 'official' sounding voice over the baby monitor:
Josh: "Come in Tina, this is God speaking....Where... is... the... dummy.......?"
Tina: "If you were God, you'd already know where the dummy is...."
Thursday, November 01, 2007
A Scary Halloween
My Halloween night had a quite scary moment and not in the way one might think, not Halloweeny scary.
I went to move Maya's bassinette closer to my pillow just before I went to bed myself when a sleeping Maya suddenly flung her head up with eyes bulging open in panic and she lurched up fighting to get a breath of air. I cried out "Oh my god!" and picked her up as she gave a little frightened. Josh was already in bed and asked me what had happened and I explained as I rocked her side to side, upright in my arms. A minute later though, I lay her down to re-wrap her and she was all smiles.
Mummy wasn't though...mummy was out of her mind worried and wondering "What if I decided to stay in the living room for even 5 extra minutes"? or "What if she did this when I was in the shower during the day?" etc.
Turns out, upon consultation with the maternal health nurse and my mum, that she may have just been startled by me and not, as I was thinking initially, just struggling to breathe coincidently as I walked in the room.
The most terrifying thought in the world to me now is losing her. That's what I mean when I say that, since she's been born, the world really can hurt me now.
I have a shot of her with a pirate hat on, which she borrowed from her cousins yesterday for Halloween...haven't had a chance to upload it yet but will.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sooky La-La
Was in the supermarket, flicking through the weekly magazines (I never actually BUY them pffft, quick flick through and I know what's what in the world) when I came across an article about one of our local tv stars daughter.
She and her husband were expecting their baby and she had finally gone into labour. She had practised a lot of hypnotherapy during her pregnancy so she spent a lot of her labour quiet and focused, the atmosphere was peaceful.
At hour 18 of her labour, her healthy baby suddenly seemed to be in acute distress, out of the blue. Then, just as quickly...the baby's heartbeat couldn't be found...it had stopped. Her baby had died. Just like that.
She obviously had to keep on pushing and deliver her baby and gave birth to a 10 pound baby girl. They were surprised at this as there had been no indication from midwives in her prenatal care that the baby was this size. Upon delivery, their daughter was handed to her daddy who then spent time quietly and lovingly bathing her and then gently cuddling her. The couple remarked that she just looked like she was asleep and had her dads forehead and her mums face. They had a photo of her and she really DID just look like she was asleep, such a beautiful little girl. There was also a photo of her hand being held by either her mum or her dad, her finger curled around the bigger finger of her parent.
They told how they had to leave 3 hours later, not wanting to stay in the maternity ward any longer and not knowing what to say to the midwives. This poor couple had arrived excited about the impending birth of their baby and left empty handed, their little angel lifeless in the room.
I couldn't help it, it was so so sad and I just started crying in the aisle of the supermarket. I felt my lower lip tremble downwards and just wanted to sob because I really really related to how they must have felt. That's just heartbreaking. It makes me wanna wake Maya up and cuddle her.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Grainy Josh
Had some time today to loiter on the computer, finish breakfast (yayyyy to breakfast) and I found some New Orleans shots that I took the last time we were there in 2005, right before Hurricane Katrina hit.
Found this grainy shot of Josh looking pissed off lol. Quite like it actually (the shot, not when he's pissed off *wink*).
Monday, October 22, 2007
The 2 Month Cupcake
Maya is 2 months old today! Happy 2 months baby girl!
A paradox; it feels like time has whipped by so fast yet, on the other hand, it feels like she has been here so much longer then two months.
I took her out to the Pregnancy, Babies and Children Expo on the weekend just gone and Kristy came with me. I was pretty aprehensive about taking her out to it as, whenever we go out with her it always turns into a really stressful experience with Maya howling her heart out (and tearing out mine when she does it). Those times it's happened I always cross the threshold to my home with the biggest sense of relief and feeling totally wrung out with stress.
However, she surprised me and was an absolute angel that day! Bliss!
She is sleeping for long stretches again (now that I'm ignoring some peoples advice and choosing NOT to wake her up for a feed when she is trying to sleep through). She started sleeping through (from midnight to 5am) at 2 weeks of age but I was told by a nurse on the maternal help line that I would need to wake her up at, say, hour 6 from when she started her last feed.
Thing is, if the bub is healthy and peacefully sleeping...let them sleep.If they're in need of a feed they will let you know, don't worry about that.
Maya is starting to communicate with us now. She does this little fake cough sometimes when we're having one of our 'talky, smiley' sessions and cycles/kicks her legs so energetically I suspect that one of these days she'll start cycling around the room.
I'm not sure but it seems like she is trying to talk or maybe even laugh when she does that cute little fake cough.
Friday, October 19, 2007
I Discovered
Before I was a Mum I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunisation.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mum, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching my baby sleep.
Before I was a Mum, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mum.
Before I was a Mum, I didn't know that feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mum, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was ok.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mum.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mum.
~ Author Unknown
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Mummy Kisses
Thank god for baby slings, otherwise I wouldn't get anything done!
I have two carriers; the ever-popular Baby Bjorn and the Hugabub sling. Both are as good as the other but the Hugabub is more snug (but more fiddly to set up on oneself...let's just say that it comes with an instructional dvd). The Bjorn is very 'clip-and-go)
I'm finding that I have a good day with Little Miss Maya where she's all smiles and calm, followed by a shitty day where she's hard to please and cries a lot. I had a great day with her yesterday and felt re-energised , ready to take this motherhood gig by the horns. Then today has been a semi-shitty day where I tried to get out of the house but had to turn around 2 minutes into my walk as the bebe was howling in protest. I came home so frustrated and angry at her and felt like being mean and leaving her in her pram to cry it out but didn't...instead pulling her out and grudgingly putting her on the boob to feed without the usual cooing and general talking I normally do with her.
Then comes the guilt and the " I'm such an awful and mean mummy...!" thoughts. The ones where you think "She's so beautiful and is just a helpless little cherub who just wants cuddles/food/comfort from her mum while her mum is wanting to scream at her and walk away. How can I even THINK that way...?!"
Right now she's sleeping in her sling on my chest, turning her head from side to side in an effort to get comfortable (and failing, I think...I'll get her out to feed soon anyway).
I have a whole new and massive appreciation for parents in general now. Before, theoretically I knew parenthood really pulled one through the wringer, emotionally, mentally and physically but....wow.
Again, at the same time, I don't ever want to imagine my life without her. Besides her daddy, she is the love of my life.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Baby Daze
Ok...finally had a chance to post...
So much to write about over the past 7 weeks (has it really only been 7 weeks?!)I don't know where to start.
Now I understand all those parents that say that parenthood is the most challenging but rewarding job you could do in your life. You're running on the whiff of sleep, utterly, utterly bone-crushingly-tired to the point your entire body is screaming for rest let alone sleep. You have your child howling in the night as you stagger around with him/her trying the 105th thing to soothe them, your chest heavy with exhaustion and the howls cutting through your soul. You're sobbing along with your baby because your body and emotions have been through the humdinger that is called birth and then you've been thrown into a freefall of hormones and trying to learn how to look after a demanding little human being ever since.
And you are non-stop 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I've been told (good advice yes) to sleep when Maya is sleeping. However, I have two very small windows of opportunity during the day and the first window allows me to scramble for a very quick shower. Usually she wakes up just as I step out and I either let her cry as I quickly dress or I resort to trying to soothe her whilst naked and dripping water all over the place.
Meals? I haven't had many meals undisturbed. Today was the first time in 7 weeks that she slept through my shower AND my breakfast. I usually don't get to eat lunch and dinner....I usually eat to the tune of Maya crying while Josh tries to soothe her. Maybe she recognizes that mummy needs to lose baby weight and is trying to put me on the 'Baby Diet'.
Don't get me wrong...she isn't a 'cryer' in the sense that she cries all the time....the timing that she DOES cry however sucks. She's actually an excellent baby and spends a lot of time in quiet contemplation and cooing.
I've had a couple of moments where I've wanted to throw my head back and scream and throw the towel in on this motherhood-business. But then 20 minutes later, I look at Maya and feel so awful for even thinking that way because I'm so infatuated with this little girl. She came from my body and, cliched as it sounds, she's as much a part of me as my heart is, even more so. Josh and I went for dinner and had my mum babysit her at the end of September and even though I was only away from her for a few hours...my entire body and soul craved to hold her again, I missed her so much it physically and emotionally gnawed at me until I got in the door and went to her.
It's being utterly and totally in love like I've never loved before and being totally and utterly exhausted like I've never been exhausted before.
Will try to update a little more regularly, even if it's only short posts.
Maya Photos
So much to write about over the past 7 weeks (has it really only been 7 weeks?!)I don't know where to start.
Now I understand all those parents that say that parenthood is the most challenging but rewarding job you could do in your life. You're running on the whiff of sleep, utterly, utterly bone-crushingly-tired to the point your entire body is screaming for rest let alone sleep. You have your child howling in the night as you stagger around with him/her trying the 105th thing to soothe them, your chest heavy with exhaustion and the howls cutting through your soul. You're sobbing along with your baby because your body and emotions have been through the humdinger that is called birth and then you've been thrown into a freefall of hormones and trying to learn how to look after a demanding little human being ever since.
And you are non-stop 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I've been told (good advice yes) to sleep when Maya is sleeping. However, I have two very small windows of opportunity during the day and the first window allows me to scramble for a very quick shower. Usually she wakes up just as I step out and I either let her cry as I quickly dress or I resort to trying to soothe her whilst naked and dripping water all over the place.
Meals? I haven't had many meals undisturbed. Today was the first time in 7 weeks that she slept through my shower AND my breakfast. I usually don't get to eat lunch and dinner....I usually eat to the tune of Maya crying while Josh tries to soothe her. Maybe she recognizes that mummy needs to lose baby weight and is trying to put me on the 'Baby Diet'.
Don't get me wrong...she isn't a 'cryer' in the sense that she cries all the time....the timing that she DOES cry however sucks. She's actually an excellent baby and spends a lot of time in quiet contemplation and cooing.
I've had a couple of moments where I've wanted to throw my head back and scream and throw the towel in on this motherhood-business. But then 20 minutes later, I look at Maya and feel so awful for even thinking that way because I'm so infatuated with this little girl. She came from my body and, cliched as it sounds, she's as much a part of me as my heart is, even more so. Josh and I went for dinner and had my mum babysit her at the end of September and even though I was only away from her for a few hours...my entire body and soul craved to hold her again, I missed her so much it physically and emotionally gnawed at me until I got in the door and went to her.
It's being utterly and totally in love like I've never loved before and being totally and utterly exhausted like I've never been exhausted before.
Will try to update a little more regularly, even if it's only short posts.
Maya Photos
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